On Prisons:
Did you know it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angels. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and gererate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Cripes':
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commericals. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commericals. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Friday, October 15, 2010
FOOTBALL JOKE
Coach Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in>Bosnia. In> one cornerof the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier.
With a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a>15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away.
--ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90mph --bulls eye! "I've got to get this guy! Reid said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is celebrated as the Great Hero of football, and when Reid asks him what he wants, allthe young man wants to do is call>his>mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl". "I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, ther are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"
With a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a>15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away.
--ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90mph --bulls eye! "I've got to get this guy! Reid said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is celebrated as the Great Hero of football, and when Reid asks him what he wants, allthe young man wants to do is call>his>mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl". "I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, ther are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"
JOKES
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" She asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16? he asked.
"Yes, I do", she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Eighter you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do", she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... ...I would have gotten out today."
This is very unusual for me. As you may or may not know, I'm not very active in the stock market, for better or worse. I'm not generally inclined to pass on unproven financial advice. But yesterday, I heard from a friend who is a drug rep for Glaxo/Welcome Pharmaceuticals he told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends and family that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginkgo Viagra", and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Good Luck!!!
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" She asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16? he asked.
"Yes, I do", she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Eighter you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do", she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... ...I would have gotten out today."
This is very unusual for me. As you may or may not know, I'm not very active in the stock market, for better or worse. I'm not generally inclined to pass on unproven financial advice. But yesterday, I heard from a friend who is a drug rep for Glaxo/Welcome Pharmaceuticals he told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends and family that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginkgo Viagra", and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Good Luck!!!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
COURT ROOM JOKE
Subject: Don't mess with a woman who hasn't had any!!!!
>>
>>
>>> Defense Attorney: What is your age?
>>> Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
>>> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
>>> Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
>>> Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
>>> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>>> Little OLd Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>>> Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
>>> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>>> Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>>> Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him,"Take me, young man, Take me!"
>>> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>>> Little Old Woman: Hell no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
>>> Defense Attorney: What did YOU do?
>>> Little Old Woman: That's when I shot the son of bitch!
>>
>>
>>> Defense Attorney: What is your age?
>>> Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
>>> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
>>> Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
>>> Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
>>> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>>> Little OLd Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>>> Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
>>> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>>> Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
>>> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>>> Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
>>> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>>> Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him,"Take me, young man, Take me!"
>>> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>>> Little Old Woman: Hell no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
>>> Defense Attorney: What did YOU do?
>>> Little Old Woman: That's when I shot the son of bitch!
WORDS OF WISDOM
Before anyone gets married again I want you to read my collection of words of wisdom about matrimony. You see, I'm smart, I always side stepped their sinster plans for my future.
- Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
- The outcome of most marriages depend on income.
- A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
- Marriages are made in Heaven, so is thunder and lightning.
- Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
- Bumper sticker; " DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH, HE'S MARRIED ".
- I like being married, happiness isn't everything.
- Marriage is an expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- She was the mother of the bride five times and she only has two daughters.
- Never critize your wife's judgement, look who she married.
- Men have their pictures on money, women just want to get their hands on it.
YOU'D LIKE THE DAY OFF ?
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
- There are 365 days per year available for work.
- There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
- Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving 91 days available.
- You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
- With a one hour lunch period each day, you have already used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
- You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
- We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
- We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damed if you're going to take that day off!!!
NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY
Sickness: No excuse! We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Death: ( Other Than Your Own) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that some one else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Death: ( Your Own) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two-week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
Leave Of Absence: (For an Operation) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Rest Room Activity: Too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the rest room in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8am to 8:05am, 'B' will go from 8:05am to 8:10am and so on. If you are unable to go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
Death: ( Other Than Your Own) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that some one else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Death: ( Your Own) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two-week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
Leave Of Absence: (For an Operation) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Rest Room Activity: Too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the rest room in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8am to 8:05am, 'B' will go from 8:05am to 8:10am and so on. If you are unable to go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
<< TANG SAY :
- Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
- Virginity like bubble; one prick - all gone.
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
- Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Man who sit on tack get point.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
- Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
- He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.
- Crowed elevator smells different to midget.
DID YOU KNOW ?
About the Philadelphia Phillies
The Phillies name traces back to 1874 and was informally spelled " Fillies " for any team that played for the city of Philadelphia. The National League franchise known informally as the " Phillies " was born in 1883 and replaced the Worcester Brown Stockings.
Between 1943 abd 1944, the team played as the Blue Jays but fans and sports reporters wouldn't go for it and continued calling the club the " Phillies" It wasn't until 1950 that the league officially named the team the Phillies.
Source: The Dickson Baseball Dictionary
The Phillies name traces back to 1874 and was informally spelled " Fillies " for any team that played for the city of Philadelphia. The National League franchise known informally as the " Phillies " was born in 1883 and replaced the Worcester Brown Stockings.
Between 1943 abd 1944, the team played as the Blue Jays but fans and sports reporters wouldn't go for it and continued calling the club the " Phillies" It wasn't until 1950 that the league officially named the team the Phillies.
Source: The Dickson Baseball Dictionary
SPACE SHUTTLE JOKES
Spencer: How is a wrench used on the space shuttle ?
Shamus: To tighten the astro-nuts.
Serena: Where can the space shuttle be parked ?
Susan: At a parking meteor!
Sara: How do you prepare for a space shuttle flight ?
Seth: Plan-et carefully!
Shamus: To tighten the astro-nuts.
Serena: Where can the space shuttle be parked ?
Susan: At a parking meteor!
Sara: How do you prepare for a space shuttle flight ?
Seth: Plan-et carefully!
F. Y. I.
Quotable
by Kahill Gibran, Lebanese American poet and artist (1883-1931)
"The deeper sorrow is carved into your being, the more joy you can contain".
Table Tidbits
A cucumber consists of 96 percent water.
Still On The Books
In Flordia, you are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
Did You Know ?
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
For Your Health
Stepping out for a walk every day has been linked to a better night's sleep.
Quick Meal
A chameleon shoots out its tongue to catch prey at speeds faster than a fighter jet.
by Kahill Gibran, Lebanese American poet and artist (1883-1931)
"The deeper sorrow is carved into your being, the more joy you can contain".
Table Tidbits
A cucumber consists of 96 percent water.
Still On The Books
In Flordia, you are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
Did You Know ?
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
For Your Health
Stepping out for a walk every day has been linked to a better night's sleep.
Quick Meal
A chameleon shoots out its tongue to catch prey at speeds faster than a fighter jet.
BROKEN CHAIN
Cute little saying to remember our loved ones at funerals
We little knew that morning
that God was going to call
your name. In life we loved
you dearly, in death we do
the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go
alone; for part of us went
with you, the day God called
you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your
love is still our guide; and
though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same;
but as Gods calls us
one by one, the chain
will link again.
We little knew that morning
that God was going to call
your name. In life we loved
you dearly, in death we do
the same. It broke our hearts
to lose you, you did not go
alone; for part of us went
with you, the day God called
you home. You left us
peaceful memories, your
love is still our guide; and
though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same;
but as Gods calls us
one by one, the chain
will link again.
Friday, October 8, 2010
OCTOBER JOKES
A blonde and her father walking down the street when the father says,"look - a dead bird".
The blonde looks up and says, "Where"?
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know. The brunette's word is "quizzical". The rehead's word is "sardonk". The blonde's word is "d**k".
"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas ? An electric broom!" said the wife. "Why?" said the husband. "So she can get here faster?"
Son: "Dad, where did all of my intellegence come from?"
Dad: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine".
Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother replies, "gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "why did daddy leave you ?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room. On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, herdriver's license falls out. Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an "F" in sex!"
A reporter asked Henry Ford the secert of his successful married life. "Same as with cars -- STICK TO ONE MODEL."
Sex is like air. it's not important unless you're not getting any!
A wife comes in and yells, "honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The wife replies, "don't care! just get the hell out!"
A lady ran into the lobby at a golf course. "I've been stung by a bee!" she yelled. "Where?" asked a golf instructor. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. "Oh," said the golf instructor, "your stance is too wide".
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife". He tells the doctor. "When she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do ?" asks the doctor. "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail. I yelled to my wife, 'hey, this looks like yours!"
The blonde looks up and says, "Where"?
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know. The brunette's word is "quizzical". The rehead's word is "sardonk". The blonde's word is "d**k".
"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas ? An electric broom!" said the wife. "Why?" said the husband. "So she can get here faster?"
Son: "Dad, where did all of my intellegence come from?"
Dad: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine".
Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother replies, "gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "why did daddy leave you ?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room. On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, herdriver's license falls out. Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an "F" in sex!"
A reporter asked Henry Ford the secert of his successful married life. "Same as with cars -- STICK TO ONE MODEL."
Sex is like air. it's not important unless you're not getting any!
A wife comes in and yells, "honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The wife replies, "don't care! just get the hell out!"
A lady ran into the lobby at a golf course. "I've been stung by a bee!" she yelled. "Where?" asked a golf instructor. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. "Oh," said the golf instructor, "your stance is too wide".
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife". He tells the doctor. "When she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do ?" asks the doctor. "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail. I yelled to my wife, 'hey, this looks like yours!"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
OCTOBER JOKES
Q.. Why did the 49ers hire two nuns and a prostitute ?
A.. They wanted two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q.. Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game ?
A.. There was a face-off in the corner.
Q.. What is the golfer's favorite lunch ?
A.. The club sandwich.
Q.. Who earns money while driving their customers away ?
A.. Taxi drivers.
Q.. Why was the scarecrow nominated for a nobel prize ?
A.. He was out standing in his field.
Q.. Which side of a leopard has the most spots ?
A.. The outside.
Q.. What are two things you can't eat before breakfast ?
A.. Lunch and dinner.
Q.. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a skyscraper ?
A.. Sure! skyscrapers can't jump.
Q.. Why did the skeleton go to the party alone ?
A.. He had no body to go with.
Q.. What's the best way to capture a unique bird ?
A.. Unique up on it.
Q.. What soda do frogs drink ?
A.. Croak-a-cola.
Q.. What did the boyfriend melon say to his girlfriend melon ?
A.. I think we're too young -- we canteloupe.
A.. They wanted two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q.. Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game ?
A.. There was a face-off in the corner.
Q.. What is the golfer's favorite lunch ?
A.. The club sandwich.
Q.. Who earns money while driving their customers away ?
A.. Taxi drivers.
Q.. Why was the scarecrow nominated for a nobel prize ?
A.. He was out standing in his field.
Q.. Which side of a leopard has the most spots ?
A.. The outside.
Q.. What are two things you can't eat before breakfast ?
A.. Lunch and dinner.
Q.. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a skyscraper ?
A.. Sure! skyscrapers can't jump.
Q.. Why did the skeleton go to the party alone ?
A.. He had no body to go with.
Q.. What's the best way to capture a unique bird ?
A.. Unique up on it.
Q.. What soda do frogs drink ?
A.. Croak-a-cola.
Q.. What did the boyfriend melon say to his girlfriend melon ?
A.. I think we're too young -- we canteloupe.
OCTOBER JOKES
Q.. What do you call a woman who knows where her husbands is each night ?
A.. Widow
Q.. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead ?
A.. She unties you.
Q.. How are men and parking spots the same ?
A.. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Q.. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubber ?
A.. One's a goodyear; the other's a great year.
Q.. Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan ?
A.. Because every time theystopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging.
Q.. Did you hear Mike Tyson invented a beer ?
A.. It's called nick-a-lobe.
Q.. What's the difference between a ford and a golf ball ?
A.. You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Q.. Did you hear the new penality for speeding in Illinois ?
A.. On the first offense they give you bears tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.
Q.. What does OJ have that every man wants ?
A.. Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife.
Q.. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
A.. He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
Q.. Why did the coach give his football team lighters ?
A.. They kept losing their matches.
Q.. Why is basketball the grossest sport there is ?
A.. Because they dribble all over the court.
A.. Widow
Q.. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead ?
A.. She unties you.
Q.. How are men and parking spots the same ?
A.. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Q.. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubber ?
A.. One's a goodyear; the other's a great year.
Q.. Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan ?
A.. Because every time theystopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging.
Q.. Did you hear Mike Tyson invented a beer ?
A.. It's called nick-a-lobe.
Q.. What's the difference between a ford and a golf ball ?
A.. You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Q.. Did you hear the new penality for speeding in Illinois ?
A.. On the first offense they give you bears tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.
Q.. What does OJ have that every man wants ?
A.. Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife.
Q.. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
A.. He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
Q.. Why did the coach give his football team lighters ?
A.. They kept losing their matches.
Q.. Why is basketball the grossest sport there is ?
A.. Because they dribble all over the court.
OCTOBER JOKES
Q.. Why did the blonde snort sweet-n-low ?
A.. Shethought it was diet coke.
Q.. If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have ?
A.. Palm Sunday.
Q.. Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains ?
A.. Shethought it was diet coke.
Q.. If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have ?
A.. Palm Sunday.
Q.. Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains ?
A.. Because the kids have to play inside.
Q.. What did the baby digital clock say to his mother ?A.. Look ma, no hand.
Q.. What's the real punishment for bigamy ?
A.. More than one mother-in-law.
Q.. What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common ?
A.. In the end, smeone is going to loose a trailer.
Q.. What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision ?
A.. In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Q.. Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy ?
A.. No, neither did I.
Q.. What the speed limit of sex ?
A.. Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around.
Q.. What's the thinnest book in the world ?
A.. "What men know about women."
Q.. How are men and tile alike ?
A.. If you lay them right the first time, you'll be able to walk all over them for the rest of their life!
Q.. Why do men prefer intelligent women ?
A.. Oppisites attract.
Q.. What's the real punishment for bigamy ?
A.. More than one mother-in-law.
Q.. What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common ?
A.. In the end, smeone is going to loose a trailer.
Q.. What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision ?
A.. In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Q.. Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy ?
A.. No, neither did I.
Q.. What the speed limit of sex ?
A.. Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around.
Q.. What's the thinnest book in the world ?
A.. "What men know about women."
Q.. How are men and tile alike ?
A.. If you lay them right the first time, you'll be able to walk all over them for the rest of their life!
Q.. Why do men prefer intelligent women ?
A.. Oppisites attract.
SHUTTLE PROGRAM WINDS DOWN
NASA"s space shuttle program is coming to an end. At this time, only two more missions are scheduled, in November and Feburary. A reporter from the the Intelligencer talked with an expert from NASA to learn more about this important space program.
The shuttle and the space station
Even as men were flying to the moon in the 1960's and 70's, people were already planning the next stage of space exploration. Scientists belived building a station in space was the smart next step.
But if we were going to build a permanent station out in space, we had to have a way to get people and construction materials out there. We needed a vehicle that could fly into space and return safely to Earth again and again. We needed a shuttle.
Finishing the space station
During the last two shuttle missions, astronauts will complete the construction of the International Space Station, or ISS. The shuttles will bring as many spare parts to the ISS as possible.
There are several storage compartments on the outside of the ISS. Stored parts range from a gyroscope* to computer boxes.
*A gyroscope is an instrument used to help hold the station's position in space.
The storage areas are bolted to the ISS and protected from dangers such as cold. If the crew needs parts, they can do a space walk to the storage areas.
The shuttles share space station transportation duties with other countries, including Russia, Japan, Canada, and countries in the European Space Agency, or ESA.
After the shuttle program ends, ISS crews will depend on Russia's Soyuz spacecraft to transport astronauts and cosmonauts back and forth. Many countries in the partnership will help bring cargo to the ISS.
The shuttle and the space station
Even as men were flying to the moon in the 1960's and 70's, people were already planning the next stage of space exploration. Scientists belived building a station in space was the smart next step.
But if we were going to build a permanent station out in space, we had to have a way to get people and construction materials out there. We needed a vehicle that could fly into space and return safely to Earth again and again. We needed a shuttle.
Finishing the space station
During the last two shuttle missions, astronauts will complete the construction of the International Space Station, or ISS. The shuttles will bring as many spare parts to the ISS as possible.
There are several storage compartments on the outside of the ISS. Stored parts range from a gyroscope* to computer boxes.
*A gyroscope is an instrument used to help hold the station's position in space.
The storage areas are bolted to the ISS and protected from dangers such as cold. If the crew needs parts, they can do a space walk to the storage areas.
The shuttles share space station transportation duties with other countries, including Russia, Japan, Canada, and countries in the European Space Agency, or ESA.
After the shuttle program ends, ISS crews will depend on Russia's Soyuz spacecraft to transport astronauts and cosmonauts back and forth. Many countries in the partnership will help bring cargo to the ISS.
DANGEROUS MISSIONS
Brave explorers
Going into space can be dangerous. There have been two tragic accidents in the shuttle program.
In 1986, the Challenger broke apart right after launch. It killed all seven people onboard, including the Teacher in Space, Sharon Christa McAuliffe.
In 2003, the Columbia was destroyed after re-entering Earth's atmosphere, just minutes from landing on Earth. All seven crew members were killed.
Astronauts know they could be in danger. But like other explorers, they think the gains are worth the risk.
Changing the mission
One of the first jobs of the shuttle was to carry satellites into space.
After the Challenger accident, NASA decided not to use the shuttle to launch satellites.
Private companies now launch satellites. Except for special satellites, such as the Hubble Space Telescope, that were designed to be launched by the shuttle, the shuttle was then used only for trips to the Russian Mir space station and the ISS.
The Hubble and the shuttle
One of the most important shuttle missions was to launch the Hubble Space Telescope. Shuttle crews also returned five times to service the Hubble and add new instruments.
Although the Hubble wasscheduled for launch in 1986, all shuttle missions were delayedafter the Challenger accident.
The space shuttle finally carried the Hubble into space in 1990.
Going into space can be dangerous. There have been two tragic accidents in the shuttle program.
In 1986, the Challenger broke apart right after launch. It killed all seven people onboard, including the Teacher in Space, Sharon Christa McAuliffe.
In 2003, the Columbia was destroyed after re-entering Earth's atmosphere, just minutes from landing on Earth. All seven crew members were killed.
Astronauts know they could be in danger. But like other explorers, they think the gains are worth the risk.
Changing the mission
One of the first jobs of the shuttle was to carry satellites into space.
After the Challenger accident, NASA decided not to use the shuttle to launch satellites.
Private companies now launch satellites. Except for special satellites, such as the Hubble Space Telescope, that were designed to be launched by the shuttle, the shuttle was then used only for trips to the Russian Mir space station and the ISS.
The Hubble and the shuttle
One of the most important shuttle missions was to launch the Hubble Space Telescope. Shuttle crews also returned five times to service the Hubble and add new instruments.
Although the Hubble wasscheduled for launch in 1986, all shuttle missions were delayedafter the Challenger accident.
The space shuttle finally carried the Hubble into space in 1990.
THE SHUTTLE AND BEYOND
Low Earth orbit
The space shuttle was designed to operate in low Earth orbit. Low Earth orbit ranges from right above the ground to about 1,000 miles above the Earth.
This is a region where vehicles carrying humans can operate. The space station, for example, orbits about 220 miles above the Earth. This is about the distance from Washington, D.C., to New York City.
In contrast, communications satellites orbit at about 22,000 miles above the Earth. The moon is about 239,000 miles above Earth.
The Hubble orbits about 320 miles above the Earth. The shuttle was not designed to fly much higher.
Some shuttle facts :
The future of human space flight is up in the air. Money is tight for space exploration. No one knows where in space humans might go next. NASA is developing a new capsule called Orion that could deliver astronauts to the space station.
Private companies are working to make space flight possible for private citizens.
No matter what programs are launched, space exploration will need all types of scientists and astronauts. The kids of today will be the explores of tomorrow, going on our next journeys into space.
The space shuttle was designed to operate in low Earth orbit. Low Earth orbit ranges from right above the ground to about 1,000 miles above the Earth.
This is a region where vehicles carrying humans can operate. The space station, for example, orbits about 220 miles above the Earth. This is about the distance from Washington, D.C., to New York City.
In contrast, communications satellites orbit at about 22,000 miles above the Earth. The moon is about 239,000 miles above Earth.
The Hubble orbits about 320 miles above the Earth. The shuttle was not designed to fly much higher.
Some shuttle facts :
- The space shuttle flies about 17,500 miles per hour. Because of the Earth's gravity, the shuttle is constantly falling toward Earth. But it is traveling so fast that it actually travels around the Earth instead.
- The shuttle's normal orbit ranges fromabout 190 miles to 330 miles above sea level.
- The first space shuttle was the Enterprise. It never flew above the Earth's atmosphere, but was used to test shuttle landings.
- The Enterprise was first named the Constitution, but after enthusiastic pleas from "Star Trek" fans, NASA changed the name.
- The Endeavour was the last shuttle to be built, in 1992. It was built to replace Challenger.
The future of human space flight is up in the air. Money is tight for space exploration. No one knows where in space humans might go next. NASA is developing a new capsule called Orion that could deliver astronauts to the space station.
Private companies are working to make space flight possible for private citizens.
No matter what programs are launched, space exploration will need all types of scientists and astronauts. The kids of today will be the explores of tomorrow, going on our next journeys into space.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
NOW YOU KNOW
- On Sept. 1,1985, a U.S. - French expedition located the wreckage of the Titanic on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean roughly 400 miles off Newfoundland.
- On Sept. 2, 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War 2.
- On Sept. 3, 1609, English explorer Henry Hudson and his crew aboard the Half Moon entered present-day New York Harbor and began sailing up the river that now bears his name.
- On Sept. 5, 1972, Black September terrorists attacked the Israeli delegation at the Munich Olympic games; 11 Israelis, five guerrillas and a police officer were killed.
- On Sept. 7, 1940, Nazi Germany began its eight-month blitz of Britain during World War 2 with the first air attack on London.
- On Sept. 8, 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard Nixon.
- On Sept. 9, 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies".
- On Sept. 10, 1813, an American naval force commanded by Oliver H. Perry defeated the British in the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.
- On Sept. 12, 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carring with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.
- On Sept. 13, 1990, the combination police-courtroom drama "Law & Order" premiered on NBC.
- On Sept. 14, 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly actress Grace Kelly, died at age 52 of injuries from a car crash the day before.
- On Sept. 15,1959, Nikita Khrushchev became the first Soviet head of State to visit the United States as he arrived at Andrews Air Force Base outside Washington, where he was greeted by President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
- On Sept.16, 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Mich., by William C. Durant.
- On Sept. 17, 1862, in the bloodiest battle day in U.S. history, Union forces fought Confederate invaders in the CivilWar Battle of Antietam in Maryland; more than 3,600men were killed.
- On Sept. 19, 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev, visiting Los Angeles, reacted angrily upon being told that, for security reasons, he wouldn't get to visit Disneyland.
- On Sept. 20, 1973, in their so-called "battle of the sexes", tennis star Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in straight sets, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3, at the Houston Astrodome.
- On Sept. 21, 1893, one of America's first horseless carriages was taken for a short test drive in Springfield, Mass., by Frank Duryea.
- On Sept. 22, 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
- On Sept. 23, 1952, Richard M. Nixon salvaged his vice-presidential nomination by delivering the "Checkers" speech, in which he defended himself against allegations of improper campaign fundraising.
- On Sept. 24, 1869, thousands of businessmen were ruined in a Wall Street panic known as "Black Friday" after financiers Jay Gould and James Fisk attempted to corner the gold market.
- On Sept.26, 1960, the firsteverdebate between presidential nominees took place as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.
- On Sept. 27, 1939, Warsaw, Poland, surrendered after weeks of resistance to invading forces from Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union during World War 2.
- On Sept. 28, 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in what became known as the "Black Sox" scandal. (Despite initial confessions by several of the players, all were acquitted at trial; still, all eight were banned from baseball for life.)
- On Sept. 29, 1982, Extra-Strenght Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. To date, the case remains unsolved.
- On Sept. 30, 1777, the Continental Congress -- forced to flee in the face of advancing British forces -- movedto York, Pa.
SAYING GOODBYE TO SUMMER MEANS SAYING HELLO TO HOLIDAYS
September brings school lunch boxes and backpacks. September is quite a different month from August. This year, the heat spells from the summer have continued just to fool the thermometer which doesn't realize autumn is coming. Wenever thought we'd still be deciding whether to go to the pool, the beach or to just stay in an air-conditioned room.
Despite unusual weather, the kids are back in school and summer vacations are fading memories. For two months since the Fourth of July, holidays have taken a vacation but September restarts them with federal holidays, religious holidays and some sentimental holidays.
This past Monday was Labor Day, a federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September. Next year, Labor Day comes a day earlier on Sept. 5th. In 2014 it will return on the first of September, something that hasn't happened since 2008.
We probably wouldn't have a Labor Day in this country if it weren't for an economic depression in the 1890's. George Pullman, the maker of railroad cars, reduced the wages of workers because of the bad economic times. A workers' strike resulted and President Grover Cleveland sent 12,000 troops to Chicago in 1894 to break the strike. Many of the Pullman workers were members of the American Railway Union. The strike was settled within a month and Labor Day was one of the outcomes. Pullman died and was buried in Graceland Cemetery in Chicago. Pullman was so unpopular, he was buried at night in a reinforced casket to avoid plundering by angry workers.
Concerns over worker-rights had already been brewing and the first Labor Day parade was held in New York City in 1882. Ten years later, union workers took an unpaid day off and marched in protest around Union Square in New York City.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2009, 15.3 million were members of unions which equates to 12.3 percent of the entire workforce. Membership in unions has been on the decline from its high in the 1940's when 36 percent of American workers belonged to unions in 1945.
On Wedensday at sunset, Sept. 8, the Jewish New Year holiday Rosh Hashanah begins. Next year, it will come almost a month later, starting at sunset on Sept. 28. In contrast, in 2013 it begins in the evening of Sept. 4 and Labor Day is on Monday Sept. 2.
This coming Sunday, Sept. 12, is National Grandparents Day. It became a holiday in 1978 after President Jimmy Carter signed a proclamation making the day official each year on the first Sunday after Labor Day. We wonder if the holiday will ever get the recognition enjoyed by Mother's Day and Father's Day?
In history, the United States had many important events in September. On Sept. 3, 1783, the signing of the Treaty of Paris by the United States and Great Britain ended the Revolutionary War. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and John Jay signed for the United States.
In 1789, President George Washington appointed Alexander Hamilton to be the first United States Secertary of the Treasury and Samuel Osgood to be the first Postmaster General under the United States Constitution. On Sept. 26th, under Washington, John Jay became the first United States Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
On Sept. 14, 1814, 36-year-old Francis Scott Key wrote a poem that was renamed The Star Spankled Banner. He had witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry by the British. The fort had protected Baltimore during the War of 1812. His poem became the national anthem of this country in 1931.
On Sept. 8, 1921, Margaret Gorman of Washington,D.C., was crowned the first Miss America in Atlantic City. The Miss America Pageant was held each September from 1921 through 2004 in Atlantic City but was moved to Las Vegas, Nevada in 2006. In a terrible racist aspect of the pageant, no African-American woman was included in the event until 1970 when Cheryl Brown, Miss Iowa, became the first African-American to win a state title and enter the Miss American Pageant.
To add some melancholy to the end of summer, "September Song" was written in 1938. The thought-provoking somewhat sad song became a hit and was recorded by Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Jimmy Durante and Ella Fitzgerald. In these modern times, video music has becomes famous with the MTV Awards, a yearly event since 1984. This Sunday, Sept. 12, the MTV Video Music Awards will be broadcast from Los Angeles. Ranging from that the young to the old, pop-culture shares Sunday with Grandparents Day.
Despite unusual weather, the kids are back in school and summer vacations are fading memories. For two months since the Fourth of July, holidays have taken a vacation but September restarts them with federal holidays, religious holidays and some sentimental holidays.
This past Monday was Labor Day, a federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September. Next year, Labor Day comes a day earlier on Sept. 5th. In 2014 it will return on the first of September, something that hasn't happened since 2008.
We probably wouldn't have a Labor Day in this country if it weren't for an economic depression in the 1890's. George Pullman, the maker of railroad cars, reduced the wages of workers because of the bad economic times. A workers' strike resulted and President Grover Cleveland sent 12,000 troops to Chicago in 1894 to break the strike. Many of the Pullman workers were members of the American Railway Union. The strike was settled within a month and Labor Day was one of the outcomes. Pullman died and was buried in Graceland Cemetery in Chicago. Pullman was so unpopular, he was buried at night in a reinforced casket to avoid plundering by angry workers.
Concerns over worker-rights had already been brewing and the first Labor Day parade was held in New York City in 1882. Ten years later, union workers took an unpaid day off and marched in protest around Union Square in New York City.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2009, 15.3 million were members of unions which equates to 12.3 percent of the entire workforce. Membership in unions has been on the decline from its high in the 1940's when 36 percent of American workers belonged to unions in 1945.
On Wedensday at sunset, Sept. 8, the Jewish New Year holiday Rosh Hashanah begins. Next year, it will come almost a month later, starting at sunset on Sept. 28. In contrast, in 2013 it begins in the evening of Sept. 4 and Labor Day is on Monday Sept. 2.
This coming Sunday, Sept. 12, is National Grandparents Day. It became a holiday in 1978 after President Jimmy Carter signed a proclamation making the day official each year on the first Sunday after Labor Day. We wonder if the holiday will ever get the recognition enjoyed by Mother's Day and Father's Day?
In history, the United States had many important events in September. On Sept. 3, 1783, the signing of the Treaty of Paris by the United States and Great Britain ended the Revolutionary War. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and John Jay signed for the United States.
In 1789, President George Washington appointed Alexander Hamilton to be the first United States Secertary of the Treasury and Samuel Osgood to be the first Postmaster General under the United States Constitution. On Sept. 26th, under Washington, John Jay became the first United States Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
On Sept. 14, 1814, 36-year-old Francis Scott Key wrote a poem that was renamed The Star Spankled Banner. He had witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry by the British. The fort had protected Baltimore during the War of 1812. His poem became the national anthem of this country in 1931.
On Sept. 8, 1921, Margaret Gorman of Washington,D.C., was crowned the first Miss America in Atlantic City. The Miss America Pageant was held each September from 1921 through 2004 in Atlantic City but was moved to Las Vegas, Nevada in 2006. In a terrible racist aspect of the pageant, no African-American woman was included in the event until 1970 when Cheryl Brown, Miss Iowa, became the first African-American to win a state title and enter the Miss American Pageant.
To add some melancholy to the end of summer, "September Song" was written in 1938. The thought-provoking somewhat sad song became a hit and was recorded by Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Jimmy Durante and Ella Fitzgerald. In these modern times, video music has becomes famous with the MTV Awards, a yearly event since 1984. This Sunday, Sept. 12, the MTV Video Music Awards will be broadcast from Los Angeles. Ranging from that the young to the old, pop-culture shares Sunday with Grandparents Day.
DE-GERM YOUR SPONGE ?
Even if you wash your kitchen sponge regularly, it's still filled with bacteria. And, when you use that sponge, those germs are spread all over your dishes, your floor, wherever you use the sponge.
The best way to kill those pesky germs, for good, is to microwave your sponge for 30 - 60 seconds. Just rinse the sponge, wring it out and ZAP!% You've got a germ-free sponge. Whew!
The best way to kill those pesky germs, for good, is to microwave your sponge for 30 - 60 seconds. Just rinse the sponge, wring it out and ZAP!% You've got a germ-free sponge. Whew!
ON YOUR WAY TO COLLEGE ?
10 Commandments for a Successful College Career
- Thou shalt attend orientation sessions.
- Thou shalt not block schedule (schedule no more that four hours of class per day and no more than three class hours in a row).
- Thou shalt study approximately three hours for every class hour (preferably in the library, unless you have a room of your own).
- Thou shalt copy all papers before turning them in, and thou shalt keep all returned written papers and tests. (What if your professor makes an error?)
- Thou shalt seek assistance at the first signs of academic difficulty.
- Thou shalt not declare thy major prematurely.
- Thou shalt know thy professors' office hours and make us of them.
- Thou shalt honor thy resident advisor and make friends with him/her.
- Thou shalt attend classes!!!!!!!
- Thou shalt not overestimate thy academic abilities. (Expect poor grades on your first English paper!)
Did we REALLY read that sign RIGHT ?
- Toilet out of order. Please use the floor below.
- In the laudromat : Automatic washing machines : please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
- In an office : Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
- Ater tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
- Outside a secondhand shop : We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain ?
- Notice in health food shop window : Closed due to illness.
- Spotted in a safari park : Elephants please stay in your car.
- Seen during a conference : For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor.
- Notice in a farmer's field : The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
- Message on a leaflet : If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
- On a repair shop door : We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work!)
F. Y. I.
Did You Know ?
After working out, it takes five hours for your body temperature to return to normal.
Quotable
by Sir Winston Churchill, British politician and statesman (1874-1965)
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give".
In Other Worlds
In Germany, the "shhh" sounds means hurry up.
Hidden Trait
A polar bear cannot be seen by an infrared camera, due to its transparent fur.
No Kidding
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Point Of Distinction
Only male fireflies can fly.
After working out, it takes five hours for your body temperature to return to normal.
Quotable
by Sir Winston Churchill, British politician and statesman (1874-1965)
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give".
In Other Worlds
In Germany, the "shhh" sounds means hurry up.
Hidden Trait
A polar bear cannot be seen by an infrared camera, due to its transparent fur.
No Kidding
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Point Of Distinction
Only male fireflies can fly.
F. Y. I.
Presidents' Files
President WilliamMcKinley had a pet parrot that he named "Washington Post".
Huh ?
To estimate the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of cricket chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37.
Feeding Habits
Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down.
Table Tidbits
Pound cake got its name from the original recipe which called for a pound of butter.
Did You Know ?
More babies are born at night than during the day.
Quotable
by Elbert Hubbard, American writer and philosopher (1856-1915)
"Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off our goals".
President WilliamMcKinley had a pet parrot that he named "Washington Post".
Huh ?
To estimate the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of cricket chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37.
Feeding Habits
Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down.
Table Tidbits
Pound cake got its name from the original recipe which called for a pound of butter.
Did You Know ?
More babies are born at night than during the day.
Quotable
by Elbert Hubbard, American writer and philosopher (1856-1915)
"Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off our goals".
F. Y. I.
By The Numbers
With an average life expectancy of 81.2 years, the people of Okinawa, Japan, live the longest.
Famous Firsts
In 1975, Janis Ian was the first musical guest on TV's "Saturday Night Live".
Table Tidbits
The bubbles in Guinness beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top as in other beers.
Quotable
by Orison Swett Marden, founder of Success Magazine ( 1850-1924 )
"If you do not feel yourself growing in your work and your life broadening and deepening, if your task is not a perpetual tonic to you, you have not found your place."
Still On The Books
In Australia, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday on Sundays.
Life Support
A full-grown tree produces enough oxygen to support a family of four.
With an average life expectancy of 81.2 years, the people of Okinawa, Japan, live the longest.
Famous Firsts
In 1975, Janis Ian was the first musical guest on TV's "Saturday Night Live".
Table Tidbits
The bubbles in Guinness beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top as in other beers.
Quotable
by Orison Swett Marden, founder of Success Magazine ( 1850-1924 )
"If you do not feel yourself growing in your work and your life broadening and deepening, if your task is not a perpetual tonic to you, you have not found your place."
Still On The Books
In Australia, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday on Sundays.
Life Support
A full-grown tree produces enough oxygen to support a family of four.
THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER HAS MANY DESIGNATIONS
Pick your favorite and make it yours!
Classical Music Month
Hispanic Heritage Month
Fall Hat Month
International Square Dancing Month
National Blueberry Popsicle Month
National Courtesy Month
National Piano Month
Chicken Month
Baby Safety Month
Little League Month
Honey Month
Self Improvement Month
Better Breakfast Month
Classical Music Month
Hispanic Heritage Month
Fall Hat Month
International Square Dancing Month
National Blueberry Popsicle Month
National Courtesy Month
National Piano Month
Chicken Month
Baby Safety Month
Little League Month
Honey Month
Self Improvement Month
Better Breakfast Month
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