THIS IS WORTH READING

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.
 My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.  And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bewjeweled trees, Christmas trees.  I don't feel threatened.
I don't feel discriminated against.  That's what they are, Christmas trees. 
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me.  I don;t think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto.  In fact, I kind of like it.  It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.  It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu.  If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians.  I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.  I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country.  I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him ?   I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.  But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different:  This is not intendend to be a joke; it's intendend to get you thinking.

JANUARY JOKE

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."  The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.  The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through ?
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time ?"

THE ROBBERY

An armed hold-up man bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot.

One brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!  He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.  One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.  Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.  "Did anyone else see my face ?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse".

THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

The  beauty  of  a  woman
is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The  beauty  of   a  woman
must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
and  the  beauty  of  a  woman
with passing years only grows!

WE MOURN A GREAT LOSS

            Pillsbury  " Poppin  Fresh "  Doughboy
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment Community, as The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.  Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including  Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Rasins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flakeyat times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

HANGOVER CURES

The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol.  Here are some of the more common hangover cures:

• Take a shower; it will feel pretty good, and when you throw up in there, you have less cleaning to do.
• Slidetwo of Billy Joel's The Nylon Curtain.
• Upon waking up, text "ughhhhhh" to anyone you saw the night before.
• Smoke every salvageable cigarette danging from ashtray.
• Percocet, fresh squeezed orange juice, The Wire.
• Smash some raw eggs on the ground.  It will not help your hangover, but its fun, and the most important thing in life is fun.
• Beat self up over missed chances, lost opportunties, broken promises, eat more pie.
• Inject electrolyte solution directly into each cell that hurts.

F. Y. I.

Quotable

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play."

Still On The Books

In Milan, Italy,  there is a law that requires a smile on the face of all citizens at all times, except when visiting patients in hospitals or attending funerals.

Did You Know ?

Almost half the pigs in the world are kept by farmers in china.

Ink It

Offered a new pen to write with, more than 90 percent of all people will write their own name.

State Stats

South Carolina is the first place in the United States where tea was grown and is the only state to have ever produced tea commercially.

The Distinction

When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny.

PLANNING A MID - WINTER TRIP WITH THE FAMILY ?

Here   are  Some  Things   Hotels  Don't   Want  You  to  Know !

• Rooms are more expensive in the morning.  Make your reservations after 6pm when hotels wipe - out  no - shows and they're more amendable to offering rooms at reduced rates.
• To get the best rate, call local, not the 1-800 number.  You want to deal with someone on - site, with somone who can negotiate for that specific hotel.
• You can negotiate EVERYTHING.  Ask and you might be surprised.  (But don't let them know.... you're surprised!)
• Hotels ALWAYS have vacancies.  An "out - of -order" room is one that may have stained carpet or scratched furniture.  It's a room that is in the midst of refurbishing.  If you really want to stay in that hotel, ask the manager about "out-of-order" rooms and let them know you'd be interested in staying in one.
• Hotel rooms are germ hotels also.  The germs just don't have to check-in!  Strip your bed of the bedspread.  Bedspreads are not cleaned as often as blankets and sheets.  Also, come with handiwipes to clean clicers, telephones, etc.  And you might ask for clean blankets right on the spot.
• Theives don't take your whole wallet.  They'll just remove ONE credit card.  Make sure, if you take credit cards, only take those that you will use all the time.  That way your cards will always be with you and not in your room!
• Tip the housekeeper everyday.  Show your appreciation frequently and you'll get much better service.  They'll also keep an eye out for uninvited guests.
• Your luggage is not necessarily safe and secure with bellhops.  And nicer-looking luggage may be an open invitation for theives.  Be careful to keep your luggage with you and keep all valuables with you or in the hotel safe.

TODAY'S TOP TEN VALENTINE'S GIFTS

Aren't sure what you should give your sweetie as a token of your affection on Valentine's Day ?
Well,  here are today's top ten suggestions.  Some reflect the times and some are timeless!

1. An ipod filled with his/her favorite tunes. Your affection is signaled with every note!
2. A bouquet of red roses is a winning gesture. Past, present and future, there's not a person alive who can't resist a sweet rose.
3. A box of chocolates is irresistable.  Diet - schmiiiet.... all restraints are off for this Valentine's Day favorite.
4. If you're having trouble saying "I Love You", a CD of romantic songs can say it for you. But - maybe you should let your sweetheart know which song says it ALL!
5. Ok, this is in the same ballpark as an iphone, but apparently a gift of the latest mobile phone is ohhhhhhh, so dreamy. It does keep you in touch!
6. Could be a little pricey, but air tickets for a weekend trip to a favorite hideaway would do more than say "I Love You".  It could mean you're ready to say, "I Do!" Are you ?!
7. Jewelry, jewelry and more jewelry.  And you don't have to stick with diamonds or gold.  Today, ther's wonderful fashion jewelry that many women craveeven more than gems.  And it won't cost you a week's salary or more!
8. How 'bout arranging a full day of romance; movie, dinner, smooching, etc.  Knowing that you've commited uninterrupted time to your sweetie - pie says a lot, regardless the activity.
9. A photo of the two of you in a beautiful frame is a lovely reminder of the feelings you share.  Sits well at home or at the office.  Just remember to smile!
10. Ahhhh, perfume.  Whether it's for "he" or "she" a bottle of a sensuous scent will keep you coming back for more....love, that is.

                          HAPPY   VALENTINE'S   DAY

25 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar!
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -  Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours or more each day.
10. Take a 10 - 30 minute walk daily. 
11. While you walk, smile.
12. Don't have negative thoughts about things you cannot control.
13. Don't over do.  Know your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously.
15. Smile and laugh more.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Make peace with the past so it won't spoil the present.
18. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
19. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
20. Call your family often.
21. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
22. Do the right thing!
23. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
24. However good or bad a situation is; it will change.
25. Your best is yet to come....

F. Y. I.

Quotable
"Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain."
by Ralph Waldo Emerson

No Kidding
Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark.

Say Ah!
A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4-foot -tall child inside.

Did You Know ?
Sliced bread was patented by a jeweler, Otto Rohwedder, in 1928, after he invented a machine to slice and wrap loaves for commercial sale.

Point Of Origin
The magic word "abracadabra" was originally intendend to cure or ward off disease.

Still on the Books
In Natoma, Kan., it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

HOW TO SOUND SMARTER ( PART 1 )

• You almost never mean: Impact.     you almost always mean: Affect.   Why: Impact shouldn't be forced into service as a verb.   No: "The decision impacts everyone."  Yes: "The decision affects everyone".
• You never mean: Off of.    you always mean: Off.   Why: Some words are perfectly fine on their own.  "May I bounce an idea off you?"
• You almost never mean: In order to.    you almost always mean:  To.  Why:  See above.
• You never mean: Comprised of.     you always mean: Comprises.  Why: Comprises equals includes.  You'd never say "My grocery list includes of milk, eggs, and kiwis."  Same goes for comprises. (Use of with compose: "The sculputure is composed of wire hangers.")
• You never mean: Everyone has their grammer hang-ups.     you always mean: Everyone has his or her grammer hang-ups.  Why: Everyone, everybody, and close cousin each are singular, so words that refer to them should also be singular.  Or, since we all have our grammer hang-ups, you could just rephrase the sentence.

HOW TO SOUND SMARTER ( PART 2 )

• You almost never mean: Historical.     you almost always mean: Historic.  Why: In short, historic means "significant" ("a historic election").  But if you intend "occuring in or relating to history,"  go with historical (think "historical data" or "a historical link between the two world wars").  By the way, it's never "an historic/historical event."  The vowel sound "a" should precede a consonant sound (like the hard "h" in historic).
• You never mean: The person that.     you always mean: The person who.  Why: A human is a "who".  Anything else (yes, including animals) is a "that".
• You never mean: Could of.     you always mean: Could have.  Why: This error pops up because of the similar pronunciations.  But remember, every sentence needs a verb: "I could have written a better cover letter."
• You never mean: Most everyone.    you always mean: Everyone.  Why: Make up your mind: If you truly mean "every person," use just everyone.  If not, say most people.
• You never mean: I feel nauseous.    you always mean: I feel nauseated.  Why: In strict terms, nauseous means "to cause nausea" (as in "a hateful, nauseous person"); nauseated means "afflicted with nausea" (as in "I'm nauseated").
• You never mean: Very unique.      you always mean: Unique.   Why: Unique things and people are one of a kind, absolute.
• You never mean: For all intenseive purposes.   you always mean: For all intents and purposes.  Why: Even if you do get it right, you don't need this expression.  It's just filler.
• You almost never mean: I literally laughed my head off.     you almost always mean: I laughed my head off.   Why: Literally means "actually"  and is best reserved for real events.
• You never mean: Merge together.     you always mean: Merge.  Why: The phrase is redundant (as are combinations like absolute necessity, free gift, and a pair of twins - unless you mean two sets of twins, that is).
• You almost never mean:Orientate.    you almost always mean: Orient.  Why: Orientate is a word, but it means "to face east".  "The tour was designed to orient new students".

HOW TO SOUND SMARTER ( PART 3 )

• You almost never mean: Hopefully. you almost always mean: I hope. Why:Hopefully mean"in a hopeful manner." "I hope the boss lets us out early" and "Hopefully, the boss lets us out early" aren't the same thing.You almost never mean: More importantly.

• You almost always mean: More important. Why: More or most important is probably what you want. Only if you're a pompous blowhard do you say things importantly.

• You never mean: Between you and I. you always mean: Between you and me. Why: Between you and I sounds fancy, and therefore right, but don't be so quick to belittle Cookie Monster("Me want cookies!"). In this case, me is correct because it's the object of the preposition between.

• You almost never mean: Assessable. you almost always mean: Accessible. Why: A library iwheelchair-accessible. Your house is assessable by the county that taxes it.

• You almost never mean: I feel badly. You almost always mean: I feel bad. Why: Is your sense of touch physically impaired (almost never) or are you feeling some guilt after screwing up(almost always)?

• You never mean: Equally as well (important, etc.). you always mean: Equally well. Why: The as isn't necessary. "I speak Latin and pig Latin equally well."

• You never mean: The reason is because. you always mean: The reason is that. Why: The reason is that the word reason implies because. Likewise, why say "the reason why" when you can say "the reason"?

• You almost never mean: I need to lay down. you almost always mean: I need to lie down. Why: This is another case where people think (wrongly) that a particular word sounds more "educated." Lay and Lie are not interchangeable. "I need to lie down". But lay does: "I need to lay my head down." Confusion kicks in because of the past tense of both verbs - lie becomes lay; lay becomes laid - but the usage stays the same.

• You never mean: Chaise lounge. you always mean: Chaise longue. Why: People have beengetting this wrong for at least a century. The proper phase is French and translated as "long chair."

• You never mean: ATM machine, PIN number. you always mean: ATM, PIN. Why: Redundancy ("automated teller machine machine," "personal identification number number").

TURKEY JOKES

1. What kind of sound does a space turkey make ? A. Hubble - Hubble - Hubble
2. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers ? A. The outside
3. Why did the police arrest the turkey ? A. They suspected it of fowl play.
4. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers ? A. To keep his wigwam.
5. What kind of key doesn't open any doors ? A. Tur-Key.

F. Y. I.

Back Then
Scotsmen once kidnapped their future brides and the one who
excelled at the abduction was given the title of best man,
a term that is still very much in use today.

To The Point
The Toltecs, seventh-century native Mexicans, went into battle
with wooden swords so as not to kill their enemies.

No Kidding!
Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.

Before Fame
Actor Jack Lemmon graduated from Harvard with a degree in
war service sciences.

Huh?
In ancient Peru, when a woman found an "ugly" potato, it was
the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man.

F. Y. I.

QUOTABLE
"The surest way to make it hard for children
is to make it easy for them." from Eleanor Roosevelt
former first lady (1884-1962)

Famous Firsts
In 1929, the Michigan State Police established the first
state police radio system in the world.


Still On The Books
In Hartford, Conn., you may not, under any circumstances,
cross the street walking on your hands.


Making It Official
Elvis Presely favorite collectibles were official badges.
He collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.

SOME NUMBERS FOR THE NEW YEAR 2010

1. $459 billion: the size of the federal budget deficit in 2008.
2. $1,587 trillion: the size of the federal budget deficit in 2009.
3. 0: the number of House Republicans who voted for the stimulus bill.
4. 1: the number of U.S. senators it took to blow up the public option in health care reform.
5. 60: the number of votes needed to move legislation in the U.S. Senate.
6. 13,930: the estimated high-end number of H1N1-related deaths between April 2009 and November 2009.
7. 2.9: the number of percentage points unemployment jumped between November2008 (6.5 percent) and November 2009 (9.4 percent).
8. 5.7 million: the number of people working part time because they could not find a full-time job in 2008.
9. 9.1 million: the number of people working part time for the same reasonin 2009.
10. 119,874: the number of personal bankruptcy filings in 2009, as of this column.
11. 358,471: the number of home foreclosures from September 2008 to August 2009
12. $3.65: the average price for a gallon of gas in September 2008.
13. $2.59: the average price for a gallon of gas in September 2009.
14. $99,000(give or take): the price for one share of Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway, as of this writting.
15. 5.07 percent: the average interest rate for a 30-year fixed-rate mortgagein 2009.
16. 155: the numberof lives saved by pilot Capt. Chesley Sullenberger's abilityto land U.S. Airways Flight 1549 on, not in, the Hudson River.
17. 41: the percentage of Americansin a recent NBC/WSJ poll who feel eithervery or somewhat positive about the tea party movement.
18. 700,000: the number of cars sold under the Cash for Clunkers program.
19. $22,000: the median debt faced by recent college graduates in 2009.
20. 1,100: the total square footage of the new White House vegetable garden planted by Michelle Obama and 23 fifth-graders from Bancroft Elementary School.
21. $439 million: the average amount districts held by Democrats received infederal stimulus money.
22. $232 million: the average amount districts held by Republicans receivedin federal stimulus money.
23. 20: the number of city blocks between the former World Trade Center siteand the federal courthouse where Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, one of theaccused masterminds of 9/11, will be tried.

DID YOU KNOW ? NATIONAL BOXING DAY - DECEMBER 26

In ancient Greece a boxing match began with two boxers standing face to face,
their noses touching. Greek boxers wore leather thongs embedded with metal
studs strapped on their wrists. At one time metal spikes were added, too.

In the early days of boxing, when a boxer was getting beaten and wanted to
end the bout, he would take his sponge and toss it in the middle of the ring.
That's the origin of the expression "to throw in the sponge."

Before the Marquis of Queensberry rules for boxing were drawn up in 1867, all
prize fights in England and the United States were fought with bare knuckles.
Even as late as 1882, the great John L. Sullivan, then boxing champion of
the world, rarely fought wearing gloves.

7 WAYS OF SPEAKING OF NEW YEAR'S

1. The usual way to ring out the New Year is to drink out the old one.
2. On New Year's Eve, the old year ends with people mixing drinks, and theNew Year begins with drinks mixing people!
3. The best thing to give up in a New Year's resolution is to give up giving up.
4. Many a man who celebrates the arrival of the New Year should celebrate instead the survival of the old.
5. New Year's resolutions should be taken with a grain of salt - and two aspirins.
6. On New Year's Eve we first ring out the old, then ring in the new, and finally are ready to be wrung out ourselves.
7. One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it often breaks a New Year's resolution.

ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian lived in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.
That same daythe old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

SANTA CLAUS ENJOYS GIFT - GIVING MISSION

"I really am Santa Claus," he said. "Call me St. Nicholas or St. Nick if you like. "Never," call me Old Nick. He's quite a different fellow." There he sat in his ermine trimmed crimson suit and stocking cap, which by trick of the soft December light did have some resemblance to a bishop's robes and miter. In spite of the snow white beard, he looked startlingly hale for a man born in the fourth century. Truth to tell, he appeared to be in the prime of life. "I was born in Lycia," he said, "which would be part of what today you call Turkey. I entered the priesthood and eventually became bishop of Myra. After I died, people decided I was a saint, probably because I had given a few twinkets away during my life. I suppose that's why I was picked for this job, and its wonderful. "I am a saint, of course, but that's not so big a thing," he added modestly. "There are many of us in heaven. As a matter of fact, many boys and girls I visted will, in God's good time, become saints themselves." As for living at the North Pole with a group of elves, "I would prefer not to give my exact address," he hedged. "I'm a busy man and there would be too much company." "Yes," he admitted, "I do visit all good boys and girls every Christmastide, but it's a bit more complicated. Most of you celebrate Christmas on December 25, others on Jan. 6. That's also the Epiphany, the day my friends Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar gave their gifts to the Christ Child. "Personally," he said, "I prefer to give the gifts on Christmas. After all, it is a birtday, we are celebrating." There is still the problem of how one person can visit so many houses with gifts for all those children in such a short time. "Actually," Santa explained, "many of those gifts you see under the tree are from moms and dads, grandparents, relatives and friends. Some are from me, of course, especially those for the poorest children, but I like to think of myself as a motivator; I encourage others by example." Santa doesn't agree with those who think the gift business over whelms the true meaning of Christmas. "For some, it's just a chance to make a dollar," he said. "But you can't frustrate the will of God. Whether you wish it or not, any instrument will reflect His honor and glory. We give gifts to others as a symbol of those gifts we would like to give to the Child Jesus. "The Holly Infant, after all, has everything, so you can only give Him your mind, your heart, your soul and your love. He explains it quite clearly for us in the Gospels: 'Whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me,' That doesn't just mean children; it is th poor, the elderly, the forgotten, everbody." How does Santa spend his own Christmas? "To begin with I celebrate a vigil Mass," he said. "Remember, I am a bishop. Then, after my rounds to all the girls and boys, I like to go back to where it all began - Bethlehem. I go up into the shepherds field and look down upon the town, remembering how Mary and Joseph once told me it truly was. By the way, it wasn't different than the lovely traditions you learned as a child. "Then I meditate upon my rosary. It always happens just about the time I get to the third joyful mystery. The magnificent singing begins. I can hear the angels now: 'Glory to God on high; peace to His people on earth."

CHRISTMAS JOKE

Three men die on Christmas eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "You must each produce something representive of the holidays." The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too. "So," Peter says to the third man, "What do you have?" The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties. "What do those have to do with Christmas?" asked Peter. "They're carols".