GOD'S WIFE

Look out for The Last Story.....
It Will Pull Your Socks Up!!!!

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
           The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.
           The winner  was:
A four - year - old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had
            recently lost his
wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy
            went into the old
Gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just
             sat there.
When hismother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said,
             'Nothing, I just
             Helped him cry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family.  One little boy in
              the picture
had a different hair color than the other
              members.  One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
      A little girl said, 'I know all about
             Adoption, I was adopted...'
'What does it mean to be adopted ?' asked
                      another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was
                       being played in a
park near my home.  As I sat down behind the
                      bench on the first - base line,
I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
                      With a smile.
'Really,' I said.  'I have to say you
   don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged ?', the boy asked with a
         Puzzled look on his face.....
'Why should we be discouraged ?  We haven't
                     Been up to bat yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
          Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play.  His mother told me that he'd set his
                            heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
     On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school.  Jamie
                    rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement... 'Guess
                          what, Mom, 'he
shouted, and then said those words that will
                    remain a lesson to
me.... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eye witness account from New York
      City, on a cold day in December,
            some years ago: A little boy,
about 10 - years - old, was standing before a shoe
                                 store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the
                window, and shivering
                           With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in
                          that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of
          shoes, 'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen
                          pairs of socks
for the boy.  She then asked if he could give her a
                           basin of water
and a towel.  He quickly brought them to her.
         She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt
                            down, washed
   his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
      By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks... Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she
                             purchased him
                             a pair of shoes...
         She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him... She patted him on the
                     head and said, 'No
   doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
       As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her
                         face, with tears
                    in his eyes, asked her.
                     'Are you God's wife ?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
            Hope this put a smile on your face it
                               Sure did mine!

F. Y. I.

Quotable
by Judy Garland
"Be a first - rate version of yourself, not a second - rate version of someone else."

Before Fame
Charles Schulz, the American cartoonist best known for his "peanuts" comic strip, had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff.  Later on, Walt Disney wouldn't hire him.

The Philly File
Londoner Benjamin Jackson produced the country's first mustard in 1768 in the Germantown section of Philadelphia.  He was also a chocolate maker.

State Stats
The Hawaiian island of Lanai once produced 75 percent of the world's pineapples.

Easy Flight
Vultures can soar for hours without one beat of their wings.

Still On The Books
In Marion, Ore., it is illeagal to eat a doughnut while walking backwards on a city street.

BOTTLE OF WINE

(Women will LOVE this one)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.The woman says, 'So, you're a man.  That's interesting.  I'm a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends in peace for the rest of our days.'  Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault....women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'   The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.  She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.  The man asks, 'Aren't you having any ?'   The woman replies, 'No.  I think  I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

WOMAN'S   Creed

Live your life in such a way that when
your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders and says....
'Oh shit....she's awake!!!!

LESBIANS JOKE

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

FEBURARY JOKES

• What's a man's definition of safe sex ?  A) When his wife's out of town.
• Bob:  "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."   Jim:  "Great trade!"
• What does OJ have that every man wants ?  A) A heisman trophey and a dead ex-wife.
• A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.  His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.  When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.  He looks at her and slurs, "you don't scare me, I'm married to your sister!"
• How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you're having sex ?  A) Let her catch you doing it.
• Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce ?  A)  He thought his wife was a flake.
• What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcission ?  A) In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
• Why was the guy so down hearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him ?  A) Because he was nuts over her.
• A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.  Suddenly, Lorraine died.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone."
• What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night ?  A)  A widow.
• A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed.  She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.  She asked him, "Honey, what is wrong ?"  He replied, "well, remember when your were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregant, and your father said, I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor ?  Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison."
• A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to lover's lane.  When they get up there, she says, " I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker".  The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay.  He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.  After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."
• A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes!  I just won the lottery!"  Her husband yells back, "should I pack for the beach or for the mountains ?"  The wife replies, "I don't care!  Just get the hell out!"
• Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.  Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane".  And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  One year Stumpy and Martha went to the Fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.  If  I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."  Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars."  Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of twist and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.  He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."  Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

NOW YOU KNOW

• On Feburary 8th, 1960, Adolph Coors Co. chairman Adolph Coors 3rd, 44, was shot to death during a botched kidnapping attempt while on his way to the family brewery in Golden, Colo..
• On Feburary 9th, 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electorial votes.
• On Feburary 11th, 1858, a French girl reported the first of 18 visions of a lady dressed in white near Lourdes. (The Catholic Church later accepted that the visions were of the Virgin Mary.)
• On Feb. 12, 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.
• On Feb. 14, 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
• On Feb. 15, 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.
• On Feb. 16, 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates.
• On Feb. 17, 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting, in Washington.
• On Feb. 18, 1885, Mark Twain's  "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time (it had been published in Canada and England the previous December).
• On Feb.19, 1945, during World War 2, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

F. Y. I.

Strange Fears
The fear of vegetables is called lachanophobia.

Did You Know ?
Porcupines float in water.

Back Then
In England, in the 1880s, "pants" was considered a dirty word.

Quotable
By Maya Angelou
"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently."

That's Sluggish
The sloth moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur.

Still on the Books
Its against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas.

OHIO MAN CHILLS OUT IN EXTREME IGLOO

Jimmy Grey says he's been out of work for almost a year and needed a project to stay busy. So with the heavy snowfall this winter, the 25-year-old laborer got to work on an extreme igloo in his family's yard in Aquilla, about 30 miles (50 kilometers) east of Cleveland.
His four-room creation has 6-foot (nearly 2-meter) ceilings and an entertainment room. He powers the TV with an extension cord plugged into an outlet in the garage. He also ran wires for cable television with surround-sound stereo.
Grey told The Plain Dealer newspaper that candles help add ambiance for nighttime get-togethers with friends, and the freezing temperatures mean that the beer never goes warm.

IT'S NOT OUR MEMORY! IT'S OUR RETRIEVAL SYSTEM!

Ethel  and  Mabel
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,  "Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.  Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Old People   ( No. 1 )
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,  but added that he died of gonorrhea.  No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." 
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of  diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big piece of crap he always was."

Cruise Ship
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.  They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.  They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.  Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.  It read "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.  We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000.. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket... They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!  She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Old People   ( No. 2 )
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.  I stopped and asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.  He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sauage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then make love to me for half the afternoon."  I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00a.m."  I said, "Well why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live?"

Old People    ( No. 3  )
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is"  Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

THE WELSH COW

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the Welsh cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decidedto go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,  When he approaches from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales."

PSALM 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog.....
And Obama was a tree.

F. Y. I.

Quotable
By Aldous Huxley, English writter (1894 - 1963)
"There isn't any formula or method.  You learn to love by loving."

Famous Firsts
Americans began exchanging hand - made valentines in the early 1700s.  In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began to sell the first mass-produced valentines in America.

By the Numbers
The human heart beats roughly 35 million times a year.

Popular Appeal
Valentine's Day is the second-most popular greeting card-giving occasion of the year.

No Kidding
Mallanaga Vatsyayana, author of  "The Kama Sutra", one of history's best known books on human sexuality, was an ascetic and very likely celibate.

Still on the Books
In some smaller towns in the state of Arizona, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

ANYWAY

            By Blessed Mother Theresa and the Missionaries of Charity

• People are unreasonable, illogical and self - centered.  Love them anyway.
• If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.  Do good anyway.
• If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.  Succeed anyway.
• The good you do may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
• Honesty and openness may make you vulnerable.  Be honest and open anyway.
• What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.  Build anyway.
• People who really want help may attack you if you help them.  Help them anyway.
• Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.  Give the world your best anyway.

NOW YOU KNOW

• On  January 31, 1950,  President Harry S. Truman announced he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.
• On  Feburary 1, 2003,  the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry,  killing all seven of its crew members.
• On  Feburary 2, 1897,  fire destroyed the Pennsylvaniaa state capitol in Harrisburg.  A new statehouse was dedicated on the same site in 1906.
• On  Feburary 3, 1943,  during World War 2, the U.S. transport ship Dorchester, which was carrying troops to Greenland, sank after being hit by a German torpedo; 230 survived.
• On  Feburary 4, 1783,  Britain's King George 3rd proclaimed a formal cessation of hostilities in the American Revolutionary War.
• On Feb. 5, 1989,  the Soviet Union announced that all but a small rear-guard contingent of its troops had left Afghanistan.

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of  Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,'  and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.  She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.  He folded the note,  handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren;t always what they appear to be:  I have a Ferrari Maranello,  BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.  There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.  But, not even for a woman as beutiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back...
Tiger

HAITIAN DONATION

Subject :  Donation

Haiti is without a government.  To help out,  I am donating one Obama,  one Pelosi,  one Reid,  one Frank,  one Coakley and two Clintons!    They may keep them permanently!   I'd  give them a constitution;
but I can't find mine right now!
Status borrowed from a friend of a friend,  keep it going.
Just had to share!

OLE FILLS IN

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant:
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, How was your day ?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.  'The first one had a headache so I gave him tylenol.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one ?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir, says Ole.
Bravo, bravo!  You're good at this and what about the third one ?  asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.  Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do ?'  asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.
'I put drops in her eyes !!
.
.
.
You all thought I was sending a dirty joke !

F. Y. I.

Defied  Expectations
Louisa May Alcott, author of  "Little Women ",  was encouraged to find work as a servant by her family.

Still On The Books
In Somalia, Africa, it is illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose.

Did You Know ?
A goldfish has a memory span of three months.

Quotable
"Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
By Henry Ward Beecher

Dial In
There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Table Tidbits
The black seeds found inside a papaya are edible and have a spicy, pepper-like flavor.