JOKE-OLOGY 1 to 20

1. What do you get when you mix beans and onions?   A. Tear Gas
2. Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his corn flakes?A. The police thought it was a cereal killer.
3. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?A. Beer nuts are $1.39 and deer nuts are under a buck.
4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A. Fsh
5. How do you make a bandstand? A. Take away their chairs.
6. Why didn't Noah go fishing from his ark? A. He only had two worms.
7. Where should the one-legged waitress apply for a job? A. I Hop
8. What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? A. Dam
9. What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? A. Nacho cheese
10. Whats kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? A. deviled eggs.
11. What is the quiest place in the world? A. the complaint department of the parachute factory.
12. What are three words you never want to hear while making love? A. "honey, I'm home!"
13. What do you call a song you sing in an automobile? A. cartoon
14. Why does a cow need a bell? A. because his horns don't work.
15. What do you call a baby after its six months old? A. seven months old.
16. Did you hear what happened when the blue ship and red ship crashed at sea? A. the survivors were all marooned.
17. What do you call three blonds in a freezer? A. frosted flakes.
18. Whats the difference between a magnet and a politician? A. there's something positive about a magnet.
19. Why did the momma elephant send her baby to the party with a roll of toilet paper? A. she didn't want him to be a party pooper.
20. Why did the turtle cross the road? A. to get to the shell station.

1st JOKE OF THE DAY!

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet then left with the dog but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably.....dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!" The vet shrugged, "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but, what with the lab report and the cat scan....."

2nd JOKE OF THE DAY!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in red roses stood behind the casket

during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and

the casket rolled inside.  The heart closed, sealing the doctor

into the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all

eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of

my own funeral.  I'm a gynecologist.

and at that point, the proctologist fainted.

LITTLE ORPHANT ANNIE

To all the little children:- The happy ones; and sad ones;
The sober and the silent ones; the boisterous and glad ones;
The good ones-Yes, the good ones, too; and all the lovely bad ones.

Little Orphant Annie's come to our house to stay,
An' washthe cups and saucers up, an' brush the crumbs away,
An' shoo the chickens off the porch, an' dust the hearth, an' sweep,
An' make the fire, an' bake the bread, an' earn her board-an'-keep,
An' all us other children, when the supper-things is done,
We set around the kitchen fire an' has the mostest fun
A-list'nin' to the witch-tales 'at Annie tells about,
An' the Gobble-uns 'at gits you
                        Ef You
                                  Don't
                                          Watch
                                                    Out!
Wunst they wuz a little boy wouldn't say his prayers,-
An' when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,
His Mammy heerd him holler, an' his Daddy heerd him bawl,
An' when they turn't the kivverd down, he wuzn't there at all!
An' they seeked him up the chimney-flue, an' ever'-wheres, I guess;
But allthey ever found wuz thist his pants and roundabout;-
An' the Gobble-uns'll git you
                        Ef  You

                                   Don' t 
                                           Watch..
                                                    Out!

An' one time a little girl 'ud allus laugh an' grin,
An' make fun of ever' one, an' all her blood-an'-kin;
An' wunst, when they was "company," an' ole folks wuz there,
She mocked 'em an' shocked 'em, an'' said she didn't care!
An' thist as she kicked her heels, an' turn't to run an' hide,
They wuz two great big Black Things a-standin' by her side,
An' they snatched her through the ceilin' 'fore she knowed what she's about!
An' the Gobble-uns'll git you
                        .Ef You
                                    .Don't
                                            .Watch
                                                    .Out!
An' little Orphant Annie says, when the blaze is blue,
An' the lamp-wick sputters, an' the wind goes woo-oo!
An' you hear the crickets quit, an' the moon is gray,
An' the lightnin'-bugs in dew is all squenched away,-
You better mind yer parunts, an' yer teachurs fond an' dear,
An' churish them 'at loves you, an' dry the orphant's tear,
An' help the pore an' needy ones 'at clusters all about,
Er the Gobble-uns'll git you.
                        Ef You
                                    Don't
                                            Watch
                                                    Out!

GOLDEN KEYS

A bunch of Golden Keys is mine
To make each day with gladness shine
"Good morning!" that's the golden key
That unlocks every door for me.
When evening comes "Goodnight" I say, And close the door of each glad day. When at the table "If you please"
I take from off my bunch of keys.
When friends give anything to me,
I use a little "Thank-You" key.
"Excuse me", "Beg your pardon", too
When by mistake some harm I do;
Or if unkindly harm I've given,
With "Forgive me" key, I'll be forgiven.
On a Golden Ring these keys I'll bind,
This is their motto "Be ye kind",
I'll often use each Golden Key
And so a happy child I'll be.

College Student May Have Soiled Pants At Screening Of Paranormal Activity

A sophomore college student may have crapped his pants during a recent screening of low budget blockbuster,paranormal activity. During a particularly intense scene, the student leapt from his seat, felt a distinct loosening of his bowls,and noticed something that he was "Pretty Sure" was not there when he arrived. His girl friend,leaned in to tell her boy friend how intense the last scene was,but instead felt compelled to ask,"Is it just me or does something in this theater smell rancid?" The student,realizing that desperate measures needed to be taken,told his girl friend that it was probably "Burnt Popcorn" but he would go to the lobby to "Speak to the manager".

25 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer gooes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.
15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste good.
25. If you change beer, you don't have to pay it alimony.

When God Created Mothers

When the good lord was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic....have 180 movable parts...all replacable...run on black coffee and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when shestands up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair...and six pair of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands? No way" "Its not the hands that are causing me problems," said the lord. "Its the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." "That's the standard model?" asked the angel. The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" When she already knows. Another in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, but what she has to know. And of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, "I understand and love you." without so much as uttering a word." "Lord,"said the angel touching his sleeve gently,"go to bed. Tomorrow is another..." "I can't said the lord, " I'm so close now. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of four on one pound of hamburger, and can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower." The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly. "It's so soft,"she sighed. "Can it think?" "Not only think, but can reason and compromise." said the Creator. Finally the angel bent over and ran her fingers across the cheek. "There's a leak." she said. "That's not a leak," said the Lord, "Its a tear." "What's it for?" "Its for joy,sadness,disappointment,pain,lonliness and pride." "You are a genius." said the angel. The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."