"Resolutions"

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions".

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and

then turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

Laugh until the tears Run down your legs!!

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!  Neighbors feared him. The old liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?  The wife said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down......and I know he won't ask for directions.

Gramma's Old and Crabby

WHATEVER you give a WOMAN she will make it GREATER.
Give her SPERM she will give you a BABY. 
Give her a HOUSE she will give you a HOME.
Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL.
Give her your LOVE and she will give you her HEART.
She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN.
So if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a ton of SHIT!

Great Tip I Had To Share

Someone just pointed out something very interesting to me.........

When writing the date in 2020 on ANY documents, bills, notes, etc........

write the year in its entirety.

It could possibly protect you & prevent legal issues on paperwork.

Example :  If you write 1/1/20, Someone could easily change it to 1/1/2017
                   (for instance) and now your signature is on an incorrect document.

Stuff

Apparently there are 2 types of flu.

The Harmless one that women and children get,

And the "near Death" version that men get.

Beer/Biere

A simplified urine test that may be relevant for at least some of us men..........

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather : - diabetes.

If you pee on your feet :- prostate.

If it smells like a barbecue :- cholesterol.

If when you shake it, your wrist hurts :- osteoarthritis

If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants :- Alzheimer's

Surgeons !

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open
 them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in
 alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers......
  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said:
"You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine............
   Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable!!!

Problem

Cashier:  Your total is 18.53

Me:  Gives cashier 20.53

Cashier:  Blank stare for 45 seconds .........stuck

Me:  Just give me $5 back ..........

Cashier:  That's what I thought it was ...... Just
                 had to make sure ........ Here you go

FOR EVERYONE - PAY ATTENTION

I just got a call from a 304 area code.  Thinking it was
someone I know in WV, I answered.  It was a man
claiming to be from customer service (didn't say what
company, only "customer service")
The first thing he asked was "Can you hear me?"
I remembered something I saw on Facebook saying
people are calling and asking if you can hear them,
then using the recording of your "yes" reply as a way
to sign you up for all kinds of stuff.  So I replied "I hear
you" to which he again asked "so you can hear me?"
Me: I hear you
Him: I just need a yes or no
Me: I hear you
Him: *hangs up*
Thanks to whoever posted that story.  I probably
would have answered Yes the 1st time he asked.

The Irish Way

If the mountain seems too big today,
        Then climb a hill instead.
If the morning brings you sadness,
        It's okay to stay in bed.
If the day ahead weighs heavy
And your plans feel like a curse,
There's no shame in re-arranging,
Don't make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
And a bath feels like you'll drown,
If you haven't washed your hair for days,
        Don't throw away your crown !
                A day is not a lifetime,
                    A rest is not defeat.
        Don't think of it as failure,
          Just a quiet, kind retreat.
         It's okay to take a moment
    From an anxious, fractured mind.
      The world will not stop turning
              While you get realigned.
       The mountain will still be there
          When you want to try again,
           So climb it in your own time
           .....and love yourself 'til then.    

Fireman

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon  with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The fireman walked over to take a closer look and said, "That sure is a nice fire engine."  The little girl replied, "Thanks."  The fireman looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.  The fireman said, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster."  The little girl paused for a moment then replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Paint Store

                   I  went  down  to
                   the paint store to get
                   THINNER
                   It didn't work