Putting up the Christmas tree this weekend because life with a toddler isn't dangerous, messy, and terrifying enough already.
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids: 1) Unpack ornament. 2) Drop so that it shatters into a million pieces. 3) Repeat.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: I hate putting up the Christmas tree every year. Seven-Year-Old: So why do you take it down?
I used to run into this one guy at the coffee shop who never could remember my name. To prod his memory, I pulled out a dollar and said, "My name is Bill, just like this one-dollar bill." "Got it," he said. A few days later, our paths again crossed. This time he gave me a big, confident greeting: "Well, hello, George!"
My last New Year's resolution was to lose ten pounds. I missed it by 15 pounds!
A strip club near where my daughter lived shut its doors for a while in response to COVID-19. A billboard outside announced: "Sorry, we're clothed!"
After my wife and I took our seats at a restaurant, the waiter arrived to take our order. First, he let us know that the special of the day was twin lobsters. My wife was not impressed. "That's silly," she said. "How can you tell they're twins?"
Husband: Don't be angry at me, but I accidentally spilled grease all over the oven. Me: How about I won't be angry at you, but you have to clean it. Husband: I'd rather you be angry at me.
A serious lung problem landed me in a rehab center, connected to oxygen 24 hours a day. One day the oxygen ran low, so I asked an attendant for a fresh tank. "You'll have to wait," she told me. "We're out of tanks and waiting for a delivery." As she walked away, she muttered. "This wouldn't happen if patients would just stop using 'em all up."
I called to congratulate my parents on their 24th wedding anniversary. "So, next year's your 25th," I said to my step-mom. "Is that silver, or wood, or what?" "Guts, I think," she replied.
Three-year-old and dad start assembling a new toy in the living room. Three-year-old emerges and say to me, "Mommy, what's a nightmare?"
