JULY JOKES

• My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing.  The house had a second - floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.  Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive:  "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair".
• Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.  "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
• As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticeda man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.  "What did you do wrong?"  I said with a laugh.  He mumbled back, "I got married."
• A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac.  "What's that mean?"  she asked.  "It's a female who's addicted to sex", I answered.  "What do they call males who are addicted to sex?"  "Men".
• During our priest's sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground.  Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that's the first time I actually put a plant to sleep."