THE DARNDEST THINGS

Thanks for the mortifying memories:  Moments that make Mom blush are truly gifts that keep on embarrassing.  

Sure, Mom was embarrassing, especially when we were 14 and her bothersome behavior required that she drop us off two blocks from the mall.  The truth was, she had endured far worse conduct from us.  So, in anticipation of Mother's Day,   readers were asked to tell the most embarrassing things their kids ever did.   Here are some of the best stories.  And here's to Mom for putting up with us.

Years ago, my husband and I had both The Inquirer and the Bulletin delivered to our home, and therefore had two paperboys.  One Saturday, we were sitting in the kitchen having our morning coffee when there was a knock at the door.  My then - 4 -year old daughter, Amy, answered the door and shouted, "It's the paperboy".  My husband said, "Which one?"  To our surprise and horror, Amy's answer was, "The fat one".
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"Mom, are you sure Ninja Turtles are boys?"  That's the question my 3-year-old son, Victor, who loved the Teenage Mutant Turtles, would always ask me.  No matter how often I tod him they kept their "boy stuff" inside their shells, he still had doubts.  ForVictor's fourth birthday party, his uncle surprised him by having Ninja Turtle Leonardo show up. Leonardo posed for pictures and then played Simon Says with the kids.  When Leonardo said, "Put your hands in the air", his shell rode up and exposed the outline of his "boy stuff" under his green leotard.  Victor ran over, grabbed him, and shouted, "Look Mom, you were right.  They are boys!"  I couldn't believe that my kid had this guy by the family jewels - and he refused to let go until I came over to see!  A bag of ice for the discomfort and a good tip helped, but I don't think Leonardo was going to do any more kid parties after that.
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My daughter was in her first week of kindergerten when I asked how her day went as we drove home.  "The teacher asked what we did this summer during circle time," she said.  Confident that she had lots to tell (she just had  a big birthday party and we spent a few weeks at the shore), I asked her what she shared. Jill said, "I told about the time Daddy saved the baby bunny in the pool."  That's odd, I thought, because Jill only knew about that through family lore.  "I also talked about the time Daddy found the squirrels in his strawberries,"  she continued.  "Remember, Mom? He saw them and yelled, 'Get out of my strawberries, you f*%#! squirrels!'"  My hands went numb on the steering wheel.  I asked her what the teacher said.  Jill replied, "She said she liked the bunny story".
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When our third child was born, my husband and I decided it was time to get a minivan.  We went to the dealership, decided on a vehicle, and prepared ourselves for negotiations.  We crammed the family into the tiny sales office where our middle child, Adam, then 4, leaned his elbows on the desk, and gazed intently at the salesman -- a thin man with a hawk nose, mustache, and heavy black glasses.  Adam asked him, "Would you take off your glasses?"  I anticipated this was going to lead to an awkward moment for Mom and Dad, who were trying to negotiate a good price, so I tried to defuse the situation: "Oh, Adam, why would you want the man to take off his glasses?"  Adam replied, "I want to see if his nose comes off with his glasses".
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When my daughter was 3 years old, she heard me talking to a friend about someone I called my mother-in-law.  "Who are you talking about?" she asked.  I told her that was what I called her grandmother.  A few weeks later, Grandma and Grandpa came to visit, and we all went for a ride in the car.  Soon I hear, "Grandma, youhave so many names.  My daddy calls you Mom.  Grandpa calls you Paulie, and I call you Grandma."  She paused to take a breath, looked Grandma in the eye, and said, "And you should hear what my mommy calls you!"
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It was Memorial Day 1956.  My daughters, Ellen, 4, and Lisa, 2, were excited about the local parade, which we saw and followed to the cemetery for a memorial service.  There they announced the band would play a hymn, "Abide With Me," which would be followed by a minute of silence.  Heads were bowed, silence reigned, and Lisa, who was in my arms, clapped vigorously, and in her sweet, penetrating voice said, "Very, very nice.  Now play 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'."
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My two children, a year apart, were playing in our backyard one summer day.  The neighbors, whose yard backed onto ours, were preparing for a wedding and the arrival of their guests.  As my husband and I were watching the festivities from our second-floor bathroom window, I noticed that all eyes, including the minister's, were on our yard.  I looked down and saw my daughter  --  with pants and underpants pulled below her knees  -- bending over.  My son, who was standing close behind her with hands on bent knees, As I felt the blood rush to my face, I ran downstairs and brought the two of them in the house, waiting for the expanation.  "Something was itching me up there," she replied, and her brother "wanted to see what it was."