Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you", the voice again boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was
frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar, breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers ( from 16 yrs. old )
Believe it or not !!!!
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, Pepper, Mustard, Vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shine down on the leaves and make them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insists on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty,
he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
These are genuine answers ( from 16 yrs. old )
Believe it or not !!!!
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, Pepper, Mustard, Vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shine down on the leaves and make them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insists on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty,
he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
And Today ?
Today is a gift.
That's why we call it a present."
A Church goer wrote to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense
to go to church every Sunday.
He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000
sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm
wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column. Much to the delight
of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.
But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.
If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.
Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
Today is a gift.
That's why we call it a present."
A Church goer wrote to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense
to go to church every Sunday.
He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000
sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm
wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column. Much to the delight
of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.
But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.
If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.
Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
Senior Drivers No Longer Need Driver's License
(Thank you Phil Goldman!)
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came
crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly
lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she
replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need
a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!!"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's
license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into
pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, "You won't need this anymore." So I thanked him
and left!
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came
crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly
lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she
replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need
a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!!"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's
license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into
pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, "You won't need this anymore." So I thanked him
and left!
It's a Pun-ny World, Still !
* What did the man say when the bridge fell on him ?
The suspension is killing me.
* Do you have weight loss mantras ?
Fat chants !
* My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me.
Or sew it seams.
* What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert ?
Synonym buns.
* A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
* How do they figure out the price of hammers ?
Per pound.
The suspension is killing me.
* Do you have weight loss mantras ?
Fat chants !
* My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me.
Or sew it seams.
* What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert ?
Synonym buns.
* A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
* How do they figure out the price of hammers ?
Per pound.
It's a Pun-ny World !
* Police were called to the daycare center.
A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
* Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
* I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer ?
* I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
* Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
* I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer ?
* I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
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