OH YEA, APRIL FOOL'S !

• All those who belive in phychokinesis raise my hand.
• Early birds gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
• Ok, so what's the speed of dark ?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink ?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Bacteria are the only culture some people have.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ?
• Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets lonely.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?
• What happens if you get scared to death twice ?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name ?
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

QUOTES ON MONEY

• By Bob Dylan   ---  What's money ?  A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
• By Warren Buffett  --- Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them.  If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.
• By Sophocles   ---   Wisdom outweighs any wealth.
• By Groucho Marx  ---  Money frees you from doing things you dislike.  SinceI dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
• By Will Rogers   ---  Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.
• By Joan Rivers   ---  People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figures if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
• By a Proverb   ---  He who has money can eat sherbet in hell.
• By Suze Orman  ---  It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
• By Norman Vicent Peale  ---  Empty pockets never held anyone back.  Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.
• By J.P. Getty   ---  Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
• By Mark Twain  ---  Unexpected money is a delight.  The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more.
• By Kin Hubbard, cartoonist  ---  The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

F. Y. I.

State Stats
Strawberry Point, Iowa, is the home of the world's largest strawberry.

Quotable
by Jeremy Irons, British Actor
"We all have our time machines.  Some take us back; they're called memories.  Some take us forward; they're called dreams."

Did You Know ?
The Ebrie Lagoon that lines West Africa's Ivory Coast is salty in the winter, but turns to fresh water during the summer rainy season.

Setting Up House
The male house wren builds several nests as part of his courtship ritual.  His potential bride looks them all over and then selects one as her preferred choice for laying her eggs.

Family Ties
A killer Whale, despite its name, is actually a member of the dolphin family -- and the largest one at that.

In Short Form
The cello's real name is the violoncello.

SMART A... ANSWERS

• It was mealtime during an airline flight.  "Would you like dinner ?,  the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  "What are my choices ?"  John asked.   "Yes or No",  she replied.
• A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat,  she said,  "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
• A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger ?"   The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead...."
• The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.  "I've been waiting for you all day,"  the officer said.   The kid replied, " Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."  When the cop finally stopped laughing,  he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
• A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:  Low Bridge Ahead.  Before he knows it,  the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.  Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally a police car comes up.  The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,  "Got stuck, huh ?"   The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
• A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.  "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"  A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion ?"   The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,  "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

NOW YOU KNOW

• On march 8, 1965,  the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.
• On March 9, 1959,  Mattel's Barbie doll, created by Ruth Handler, made its public debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.
• On March 10,2010,  Ten Years ago, Pope John Paul 2nd, approved sainthood for Katherine Drexel, a Philadelphia socialite who had taken a vow of poverty and devoted her fortune to helping poor blacks and American Indians.
• On March 11, 1985,  Mikhail S. Gorbachev was chosen to succeed the late Soviet President Konstantin U. Chernenko.
• On March 12, 1980,  a Chicago jury found John Wayne Gacy Jr. guilty of the murders of 33 men and boys.  (The next day, Gacy was sentenced to death; he was executed in May 1994.)
• On March 14, 1980,  a Polish airliner crashed while making an emergency landing near Warsaw, killing 87 people aboard, including 22 members of a U.S. amateur boxing team.
• On March 15, 2010,  On this date in 44 B.C.,  Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.
• On March 16, 1985,  Terry Anderson, chief Middle East correspondent for The Associated Press, was abducted in Beirut; he was released in Dec. 1991.
• On March 17, 2010,  on this date in A.D. 461 (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.
• On March 18, 2010,  five years ago, doctors in Flordia, acting on orders of a state judge, removed Terri Schiavo's feeding tube.  Schiavo, an Archbiship Wood grad., died on March 31, 2005, at age 41.

F. Y. I.

Quotable
By  Bill Cosby
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody".

State Stats
The swallowtail butterfly is the official state insect of Oregon.

The Philly File
Philadelphia architect Frank Furness liked patterns in red so much, he had his shirts made of red-checkered cloth.

Did You Know ?
The modern bikini, invented by French engineer Louis Reard in 1946, was so named because it was created the same year the atomic bomb was tested on Bikini Island.

Table Tidbits
Each American eats 22 pounds of tomatoes yearly, with more than half of that consumption in the form of ketchup and tomato sauce.

No Kidding
The Museum of Modern Art in New York hung Henri Matisse's painting "LeBateau" upside down for 46 days before noticing the mistake.

AND THE BEAT GOES ON

By Jerry Gervase

I saw a commercial on television for a local hospital, mentioning that in an average lifetime a heart beats more than two billions times.  The crux of the commercial was that the hospital's heart center was geared to make sure one didn't fall below average.

Naturally it sparked my curiosity so my first thought was to wonder where I am on their cardiac curve.  Math was my worst subject in schol so I am below average on how to proceed.  I am not sure if my heart beat coincides with my pulse or if they march to a different beat.  Then there are those times when I can barely feel a pulse which may be the result of a laid back lifestyle.

Someone more mathematically knowledgeable than myself may figure the number of seconds in a year (if a heart beats about once every second) then multiply that number by one's age to see how they've traveled down the road of an "average" life.  I can probably Google that information and not only learn the answer but at the same time find the best place to buy blood pressure monitors, learn the address of heart specialists in my area, and where to purchase and any number of products that may contribute to a healthy heart.  A quick reference search tells me that the average heart beats between 70 - 75 times per minute with women and young children's hearts beating faster along with other mitigating circumstances.  Just thinking about them causes an increase in my heart rate.  Besides, I really don'twant to know since I am already beyond the biblical three score and ten.

What does interest me is how often the heart is used to describe the human condition and foibles.  King Richard was lion-hearted; hard-hearted Hanna was the belle of Savannah, GA; many Victorian heroines were faint-hearted; so-and-so is a bleeding heart Liberal; one can convert to a different mindset by having a change of heart; I can cross my heart, and if  I have good intentions my is in the right place.

Speaking clinically, the heart is a powerful muscle.  It is slightly larger than a clenched fist. It is a pump sending oxygen-rich blood through all parts of your body.  Blood contains oxygen and nutrients that every cell in our bodies need to survive.  The oxygen-rich blood travels throughout the arteries and vessels, nourishing the body so that it can function properly.  A heart pumps a million barrels of blood during the average lifetime - enough to fill three supertankers.

There are approximately 6 quarts of blood in the human body but the pumping station may hold only a few ounces at one time.  How many ?  I don't know but someone told me 16 ounces if you're a Republican and about an ounce and a half if you're a Democrat.

Regardless of all the facts, figures, and estimates of how much blood this extraordinary muscle can hold it remains just that - an extraordinary muscle, a remarkable pumping station.  Yet something magical can happen to this muscle.  It becomes a heart, the seat of  feeling and thought, a many splendored thing, when it is pierced by sorrow, or leaps for joy, holds love, distributes it freely, and beats for others.

I M HEARING THINGS .......... REALLY!

By Patricia Mistuk

"You're hearing things"  is an all - too - familiar refrain uttered by my husband when I carry on about phantom car noises, high-pitched hums and running water.

"Did you leave the hose on ?" I asked, crouching between the toilet and shower.  "I hear water.  Probably a leak.   Listen."
He obliged and for once, he agreed.  It goes without saying, this happened on a pay-plumbers-double-time Sunday.  Envisioning a spiking utility bill, we turned off the water except for a few minutes so we could shower, wash dishes and flush the toilet.
A plumber stopped by Monday, popped the lid to the water meter and mumbled, "Yup, a leak."  Oh, happy day!
He Nexteled his buddy while my husband and I, like fire-fighters in a high-speed bucket brigade, emptied bookcases and the china cabinet.  Murphy's Law states all plumbing leaks involve sawed out sections of high visibility dry wall, carpet removal and a concrete slab turned to rubble by a jackhammer.  We live in the land of nonexistent basements, attics and crawl spaces so accessing pipes is more complex than deciphering the income tax code.
"You might want to put your dog outside," Plumber #2 suggested as he hauled the jackhammer into the living room.  We had no time to cover living room furniture.  Since a plumber's hourly rate surpasses our monthly mortgage payment, we let the dusty demolition begin.
While Plumber #1 chisled a 12" x 18" piece from our dry wall, Plumber #2 was duplicating Boston's Big Dig in our concrete slab.  In no time at all, our living room and its contents were entombed in a volcanic ash of sorts that would rival Mount Vesuvius's 79 A.D. eruption.
"You got good hearing," Plumber #2 commented while attempting to pinpoint the leak.
"Not anymore.  My eardrums broke from the jackhammer's noise,"  I said.
As the kaching-o-meter ticked, the plumbers repiped the culprit and told us dry wall and carpet repair is our problem.  However, they offered to fill the gapinghole in the slab.
Two hours after I signed a temporarily kited check - I'd go to the bank and juggle accounts once I rid my clothes of dust - and sent the team on its way.  I meandered into the bathroom and detected yet another water sound.  Drips.  Long story short:  The toilet now leaked.  Thankfully after my husband's get-back-and-fix-it-now phone call, Plumber #2 returned during a late-night Seinfeld rerun and repaired the leak.
The plumber parted with a warning. Leaks are common in old copper pipes.  We should consider replacing all the pipes.  Not now.  We have more pressing issues: repairing the dry wall, tacking the carpet back in place, dusting the house to a fare-thee-well, and beelining to the bank so our paper check doesn't morph into rubber.  Sounds overwhelming but first things first.  If I hear any more noise associated with running or dripping water, I'll let my fingers do their Yellow Page walk and rent a Port-O-Let.

F. Y. I.

Famous Firsts
The very first Olympic race, held in 776 B.C. was won by Corubus, a chef.

Quotable
by Julia Roberts
"Show me a person who doesn't like to laugh and I'll show you a person with a toe tag."

The Irony
Mel Blanc, who played the voice of  Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.

Did You Know ?
A group of hippos is called a bloat.

No Kidding
In 1987, American Airlines saved $40,000 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.

Small Starts
At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about 4 ounces.

USELESS SCIENCE THAT ENDED UP USEFUL

• The Principle of Limited Sloppiness is a phrase used to describe fortuitous or accidental discoveries (we're talking screwups) that actually helped humankind.  The best-known example was by Alexander Fleming.  Halfway through an experiment with bacteria, he up and went on vacation.  Slob that he was, he left a dirty petri dish in the lab sink.  When he got back, he found bacteria had grown all over the plate, except in an area where mold had formed.  That discovery led to two things:  1)penicillin and  2)Mrs. Fleming hiring a maid.  Here are more examples:
• Inventor: A Dutch shipmaster.   Year: 16th century.  What Happened: He used heat to concentrate wine in order tomake it easier to transport, with the idea of adding water to reconstitute it when he arrived.   Big Discovery: Concentrated wine is better than watered-down wine.   As A Result: "Burnt wine", or "brandewijn" in Dutch, became a big hit.  Call it brandy, since after a few drinks of the stuff, there's no way you can pronounce brandewijn so a bartender can understand what you're ordering.
• Inventor: Horace Wells.   Year: 1844.    What Happened: In its salad days, nitrous oxide was strictly a party toy, since it made people howl like hyenas.  But a friend of the dentist took too much of the stuff at a laughing-gas stage show and gashed his leg.   Big Discovery:  The friend hadn't realized he'd hurt himself.   As A Result: Nitrous oxide became an early form of anesthesia.
• Inventor: Constantin Fahlberg and Ira Remsen.    Year: 1879.  What Happened: After spending the day studying coal tar derivatives, Fahlberg left hisjohns hopkins laboratory and went to dinner.   Big Discovery: Something he ate tasted particularly sweet, which he traced to a chemical compound he'd spilled on his hand.  Best of all, it turned out to be calorie-free.  As A Result: He cut Remsen and the university out of  millions of dollars when he secretly patented the breakthrough discovery, saccharin.
• Inventor: James Wright.   Year: 1943.  What Happened: During the war years, the General Electric engineer combined silicone oil and boric acid in an attempt to find a cheap alternative to rubber for tank treads, boots, etc.    Big Discovery: It didn't work.  But the scientists had a blast bouncing and streching his mistake, when they weren't using it to transfer comics onto paper.      As A Result: Kids had a blast playing with the Silly Putty too.
• Inventor: Thomas Adams.    Year: 1870.   What Happened: He was experimenting with chicle, the sap from South American tree, as a substitute for rubber.  After mounting failures, the dejected inventor popped a piece into his mouth.     Big Discovery: He liked it!   As A Result: Adams New York No. 1 became the first mass-produced chewing gum in the world.
• Inventor: Percy Spencer.    Year: 1946.   What Happened: With the end of World War 2, the Raytheon engineer was looking for other uses for theagtron, which generated the microwaves for radar systems.  While Spencer was standing next to the device one day, a chocolate bar in his pocket melted.   Big Discovery: The magnetron worked even better on popcorn.   As A Result: Orville Redenbacher became very rich.
• Inventor: William Perkin.   Year: 1856.  What Happened: He was intent on discovering a cure for one of the deadliest diseases in the world, malaria.    Big Discovery: While trying to replicate the malaria fighter quinine in his laboratory, Perkin inadvertently discovered the color mauve instead.   As A Result: Perkin forgot about malaria and made a mint establishing the synthetic dye industry.
• Inventor: Alastair and Jean Carruthers.   Year: 1987.   What Happened: The couple were using small does of a deadly toxin to treat "crossed eyes" eyelid spasms and other eye-muscle disorders when they noticed an interesting side effect.    Big Discovery: Wrinkles magically disappeared.     As A Result: The expressionsless face became the "it" look, thanks to botox.
• Inventor: Scientists at Pfizer.    Year: 1992.     What Happened: A Welsh hamlet was ground zero for a test on a pill to fight angina.  Unfortunately for the afflicted, it had little success against the disease.     Big Discovery: Though it didn't work, the men taking part in the study refused to give up their medicine.    As A Result: The scientists switched gears and marketed the drug, Viagra, for a very different purpose.

NOW YOU KNOW

• On Feb. 21, 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
• On Feb. 22, 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" occurred in Lake Placid, N.Y., as the United States Olympics hockey team upset the Soviets, 4-3.  (The U.S. team went on to win the gold medal.)
• On Feb. 23, 1861, President Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take office, following word of a possible assassination plot in Baltimore.
• On Feb. 24, 1868, the House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his attempted dismissal of Secertary of War Edwin M. Stanton; Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.
• On Feb. 25, 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.
• On Feb. 26, 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from exile on the island of Elba.
• On Feb. 27, 1960, a day after defeating the Soviets at the Winter Games in Squaw Valley, Calif., the United States won its first Olympic hockey gold medal by defeating Czechoslovakia's team, 9-4.
• On March 1, 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.
• On March 2, 1836, the Republic of Texas formally declared its independence from Mexico.
• On March 3, 1931, the United States adopted the "Star Spangled Banner" as its national anthem.
• On March 4, 1908, a fire at Lake View School in Collinwood, Ohio, clamed the lives of 172 children and three adults.
• On March 5, 1946, Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminister College in Fulton, Mo.