Looking for a job? Make sure your resume is up to snuff. A lot of job seekers don't, and we've pulled together some actual blunders to prove it.
Objective
"To secure a position as a front office".
Employment History
Last job : "Drove a toe truck."
Before that : "Worked in the dessert."
And before that : "Oversaw all new corporate accusations." "Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing, and executing final candidates."
And before that one : "Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
Skills
"Perfectionist with a keen I for details."
"Being bilingual in 3 languages."
"Natural born larder."
References
"Clare."
Compensation
"Current salary : $36,000.
Salary desired : $223,000."
Interests
"I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians."
"My three biggest hobbies are cars, racquetball, golf, and reading."
"I like doughnuts, cupcakes, chocolate, and ice cream. Together."
"Honestly, I like doing nothing."
Education
"Graduated in 2911."
Sunday, May 12, 2019
And Just Plain Dumb
I showed up wearing two different-colored shoes to make a major presentation to an audience of 230 people.
This guy came into my Walmart backroom, put on a vest, picked up the biggest TV, put it on a cart, dropped it, and then asked me to help lift it. The guy thanked me and left with his brand new TV that I'd helped him steal.
At the end of a phone call, I told my boss I loved him. I caught myself, but started rambling : "Oh my God! I didn't mean that. I absolutely don't love you.......No, I mean, I like working for you but I know you're married and I'm married, and I'm not flirting, so please don't report me to HR......" At some point, he just hung up.
I once sent a company-wide virus warning by forwarding an e-mail so people could see what it looked like should they receive one and forgetting to remove the infected attachment.
On my first day of work, I accidentally called my boss "Daddy".
When I was a teenager, I applied for a job at a hospital gift shop and was so pumped when I got the call that they wanted me. When I showed up for my first shift, the manager gave me the weirdest look, then told me to wait while she called someone. Turns out that they interviewed two girls named Jessica and meant to hire the other one. They offered me a candy bar "for my trouble". I'm still bitter.
This guy came into my Walmart backroom, put on a vest, picked up the biggest TV, put it on a cart, dropped it, and then asked me to help lift it. The guy thanked me and left with his brand new TV that I'd helped him steal.
At the end of a phone call, I told my boss I loved him. I caught myself, but started rambling : "Oh my God! I didn't mean that. I absolutely don't love you.......No, I mean, I like working for you but I know you're married and I'm married, and I'm not flirting, so please don't report me to HR......" At some point, he just hung up.
I once sent a company-wide virus warning by forwarding an e-mail so people could see what it looked like should they receive one and forgetting to remove the infected attachment.
On my first day of work, I accidentally called my boss "Daddy".
When I was a teenager, I applied for a job at a hospital gift shop and was so pumped when I got the call that they wanted me. When I showed up for my first shift, the manager gave me the weirdest look, then told me to wait while she called someone. Turns out that they interviewed two girls named Jessica and meant to hire the other one. They offered me a candy bar "for my trouble". I'm still bitter.
Dumb Customers
Found this gem of an e-mail in the inbox today :
Client : Hello. My fiancee and I are looking for a wedding photographer but having some issues with the contracts we are coming across. We want a clause that guarantees us a refund should we ever get divorced, since we would not need the photos in that situation. Please let me know if this is something you have in your contract or would be willing to add. Thank you!
A customer came to the counter and wanted to buy a Big Mac. When I told her we didn't have those, she asked for a Whopper instead. I told her we didn't have those either, and she got mad at me and walked away. I work at KFC.
Three designers share their oddest client requests :
I want you to build me an app store. Like the Apple App Store, but better.
The roast duck on the menu looks kind of dull. Can you make it look more alive and happy?
Can you please move the image up a tad and down a hair?
When you're a cop, Joe and Jane Public are your clients. And on occasion you can expect bizarre 911 calls such as these.
A woman requested to talk with a police officer because her house-keeper wasn't putting her towels away properly.
Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.
During a disturbance call, a man gave an officer a false name and was arrested after he was found to have warrants for both names.
A woman whose finger got stuck in a drain was reported to be conscious and breathing.
Suspicious people were reportedly doing something with flashlights. A deputy checked and found the people were not suspicious, but merely Canadian.
It's come to this : A Florida gas station owner has had to place a sign in her store asking customers not to warm their urine in the microwave. Parul Patel's Jacksonville gas station/convenience store is just a few blocks from two drug-testing services. Why the urine has to be delivered warm we can only guess, but when Patel confronted one woman, she indignantly demanded to see a sign that bans nuking urine in her store. Hence the sign.
I work at a museum, and a woman asked me if mummies were older than dinosaurs.
"We actually get this question on a pretty regular basis," says an official with Iowa's Department of Transportation. The source of confusion: The deer-crossing signs that are posted along the road. And the question : "Why don't you put these signs where it's safer for the deer to cross?"
Client : Hello. My fiancee and I are looking for a wedding photographer but having some issues with the contracts we are coming across. We want a clause that guarantees us a refund should we ever get divorced, since we would not need the photos in that situation. Please let me know if this is something you have in your contract or would be willing to add. Thank you!
A customer came to the counter and wanted to buy a Big Mac. When I told her we didn't have those, she asked for a Whopper instead. I told her we didn't have those either, and she got mad at me and walked away. I work at KFC.
Three designers share their oddest client requests :
I want you to build me an app store. Like the Apple App Store, but better.
The roast duck on the menu looks kind of dull. Can you make it look more alive and happy?
Can you please move the image up a tad and down a hair?
When you're a cop, Joe and Jane Public are your clients. And on occasion you can expect bizarre 911 calls such as these.
A woman requested to talk with a police officer because her house-keeper wasn't putting her towels away properly.
Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.
During a disturbance call, a man gave an officer a false name and was arrested after he was found to have warrants for both names.
A woman whose finger got stuck in a drain was reported to be conscious and breathing.
Suspicious people were reportedly doing something with flashlights. A deputy checked and found the people were not suspicious, but merely Canadian.
It's come to this : A Florida gas station owner has had to place a sign in her store asking customers not to warm their urine in the microwave. Parul Patel's Jacksonville gas station/convenience store is just a few blocks from two drug-testing services. Why the urine has to be delivered warm we can only guess, but when Patel confronted one woman, she indignantly demanded to see a sign that bans nuking urine in her store. Hence the sign.
I work at a museum, and a woman asked me if mummies were older than dinosaurs.
"We actually get this question on a pretty regular basis," says an official with Iowa's Department of Transportation. The source of confusion: The deer-crossing signs that are posted along the road. And the question : "Why don't you put these signs where it's safer for the deer to cross?"
Dumb Bosses
After two days of heated wrangling, we got one of our vendors to agree to a 35 percent discount. As we were about to sign the contract, my boss, who had not been a party to the negotiations, walked in and tore it up, saying, "I'm going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball. That's the way you make it in this world". He turned to the vendor's sales rep and said, "We want a 20 percent discount; take it or leave it". The delighted rep immediately agreed. As my boss left, he said to us, "I hope you learned something from that".
When corporate came to visit, the CEO complimented me by saying, "You aren't as dumb as HR made you out to be".
My boss heard there was an opening for a plant manager in our South American facility. To better prepare himself, he decided to attend Spanish classes on the company's time and at its expense. The only problem? The plant is in Brazil, where they speak Portuguese.
My boss used to tell me and another coworker he hadn't showered in days and wanted us to make sure clients didn't get close to him at events.
I work for a family-owned check-cashing company. One day, I was robbed at gunpoint. The next day, the owners deducted the stolen cash from my paycheck. They said I had willingly complied with the robber's wishes.
My boss ate all the breading off of three pieces of leftover fried chicken I'd brought to work for lunch, and then he put the naked chicken back into the break-room fridge like nothing happened.
Inspirational quotes from the men and women who lead us during the workweek.
I know my plan won't work, but don't disagree with me in front of others.
If you are on schedule, then your plan was not aggressive enough. If you are behind schedule, you must be goofing off.
What this department lacks is leadership.
Bonuses in my department are awarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation for my leadership.
I tried to e-mail you to tell you that my e-mail wasn't working, but my e-mail wasn't working.
I got a citation in my employee file because I told my boss that Bob Marley did not sing "Red Red Wine".
When corporate came to visit, the CEO complimented me by saying, "You aren't as dumb as HR made you out to be".
My boss heard there was an opening for a plant manager in our South American facility. To better prepare himself, he decided to attend Spanish classes on the company's time and at its expense. The only problem? The plant is in Brazil, where they speak Portuguese.
My boss used to tell me and another coworker he hadn't showered in days and wanted us to make sure clients didn't get close to him at events.
I work for a family-owned check-cashing company. One day, I was robbed at gunpoint. The next day, the owners deducted the stolen cash from my paycheck. They said I had willingly complied with the robber's wishes.
My boss ate all the breading off of three pieces of leftover fried chicken I'd brought to work for lunch, and then he put the naked chicken back into the break-room fridge like nothing happened.
Inspirational quotes from the men and women who lead us during the workweek.
I know my plan won't work, but don't disagree with me in front of others.
If you are on schedule, then your plan was not aggressive enough. If you are behind schedule, you must be goofing off.
What this department lacks is leadership.
Bonuses in my department are awarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation for my leadership.
I tried to e-mail you to tell you that my e-mail wasn't working, but my e-mail wasn't working.
I got a citation in my employee file because I told my boss that Bob Marley did not sing "Red Red Wine".
Dumb Doctors and Nurses
In Hospitals they work long, strenuous hours. Sometimes it shows up in the odd things they accidentally write in the patient charts.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Social history reveals this 1-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Of course, sometimes HR itself is the issue, thanks to some questionable workplace directives.
I'm a teacher, so I have a million stupid rules I have to follow. But the worst one is that my performance evaluation is based on student improvement on a statewide literacy test. I teach wood shop.
At my old job, HR held a meeting to tell us that there was too much swearing on the sales floor. Someone pointed out that swearing is very common in our industry and that is the way that our customers speak. HR later sent out a memo explaining that swearing should be limited to conversations with clients.
My workplace doesn't let you use the word problems. Instead, we have to say challenges if something is wrong.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Social history reveals this 1-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Of course, sometimes HR itself is the issue, thanks to some questionable workplace directives.
I'm a teacher, so I have a million stupid rules I have to follow. But the worst one is that my performance evaluation is based on student improvement on a statewide literacy test. I teach wood shop.
At my old job, HR held a meeting to tell us that there was too much swearing on the sales floor. Someone pointed out that swearing is very common in our industry and that is the way that our customers speak. HR later sent out a memo explaining that swearing should be limited to conversations with clients.
My workplace doesn't let you use the word problems. Instead, we have to say challenges if something is wrong.
The Funniest Confessions from Bosses, Coworkers, and Clueless Applicants
Dumb Employees Haven't you heard there are no dumb questions in business? From these HR queries, that truism is clearly not true.
I falsified my resume. Now that I'm working here, can I change it?
Can my supervisor require me to have specific working hours?
Can I have my salary deferred until next year so I don't have to pay taxes this year? I don't need the money this year.
Will you give me a raise if I stop smoking marijuana?
Can I wear a swimsuit and towel on casual day?
Since my mother and father both died before I came to work at this company, will I be credited for bereavement leave I didn't have to take?
Every day my supervisor tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that?
Some excuses for missing work are so dumb they are almost inspired.
The employee said that he couldn't come to work because his fortune-teller had asked him not to step out of the house or he would suffer a brain hemorrhage.
An employee refused to come to work because his fish was unwell.
The employee said he'd gotten drunk the night before and was now suffering from a hangover.
The employee insisted he'd locked himself in his house by mistake and that the house did not have any windows to crawl out of.
An employee said his mother made his favorite dish and he ate too much.
I falsified my resume. Now that I'm working here, can I change it?
Can my supervisor require me to have specific working hours?
Can I have my salary deferred until next year so I don't have to pay taxes this year? I don't need the money this year.
Will you give me a raise if I stop smoking marijuana?
Can I wear a swimsuit and towel on casual day?
Since my mother and father both died before I came to work at this company, will I be credited for bereavement leave I didn't have to take?
Every day my supervisor tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that?
Some excuses for missing work are so dumb they are almost inspired.
The employee said that he couldn't come to work because his fortune-teller had asked him not to step out of the house or he would suffer a brain hemorrhage.
An employee refused to come to work because his fish was unwell.
The employee said he'd gotten drunk the night before and was now suffering from a hangover.
The employee insisted he'd locked himself in his house by mistake and that the house did not have any windows to crawl out of.
An employee said his mother made his favorite dish and he ate too much.
Did You Know ?!
- France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.
- People in Iceland read more books per capita than any other people in the world.
- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain, was the first novel to ever be written on a typewriter.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- A banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
- There is about one quarter-pound of salt in every gallon of seawater.
- The human brain is about 85 percent water.
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