GOD'S WIFE

Look out for The Last Story.....
It Will Pull Your Socks Up!!!!

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
           The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.
           The winner  was:
A four - year - old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had
            recently lost his
wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy
            went into the old
Gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just
             sat there.
When hismother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said,
             'Nothing, I just
             Helped him cry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family.  One little boy in
              the picture
had a different hair color than the other
              members.  One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
      A little girl said, 'I know all about
             Adoption, I was adopted...'
'What does it mean to be adopted ?' asked
                      another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was
                       being played in a
park near my home.  As I sat down behind the
                      bench on the first - base line,
I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
                      With a smile.
'Really,' I said.  'I have to say you
   don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged ?', the boy asked with a
         Puzzled look on his face.....
'Why should we be discouraged ?  We haven't
                     Been up to bat yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
          Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play.  His mother told me that he'd set his
                            heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
     On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school.  Jamie
                    rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement... 'Guess
                          what, Mom, 'he
shouted, and then said those words that will
                    remain a lesson to
me.... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eye witness account from New York
      City, on a cold day in December,
            some years ago: A little boy,
about 10 - years - old, was standing before a shoe
                                 store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the
                window, and shivering
                           With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in
                          that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of
          shoes, 'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen
                          pairs of socks
for the boy.  She then asked if he could give her a
                           basin of water
and a towel.  He quickly brought them to her.
         She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt
                            down, washed
   his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
      By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks... Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she
                             purchased him
                             a pair of shoes...
         She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him... She patted him on the
                     head and said, 'No
   doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
       As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her
                         face, with tears
                    in his eyes, asked her.
                     'Are you God's wife ?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
            Hope this put a smile on your face it
                               Sure did mine!

F. Y. I.

Quotable
by Judy Garland
"Be a first - rate version of yourself, not a second - rate version of someone else."

Before Fame
Charles Schulz, the American cartoonist best known for his "peanuts" comic strip, had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff.  Later on, Walt Disney wouldn't hire him.

The Philly File
Londoner Benjamin Jackson produced the country's first mustard in 1768 in the Germantown section of Philadelphia.  He was also a chocolate maker.

State Stats
The Hawaiian island of Lanai once produced 75 percent of the world's pineapples.

Easy Flight
Vultures can soar for hours without one beat of their wings.

Still On The Books
In Marion, Ore., it is illeagal to eat a doughnut while walking backwards on a city street.

BOTTLE OF WINE

(Women will LOVE this one)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.  God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.The woman says, 'So, you're a man.  That's interesting.  I'm a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends in peace for the rest of our days.'  Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault....women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'   The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.  She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.  The man asks, 'Aren't you having any ?'   The woman replies, 'No.  I think  I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

WOMAN'S   Creed

Live your life in such a way that when
your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders and says....
'Oh shit....she's awake!!!!

LESBIANS JOKE

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

FEBURARY JOKES

• What's a man's definition of safe sex ?  A) When his wife's out of town.
• Bob:  "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."   Jim:  "Great trade!"
• What does OJ have that every man wants ?  A) A heisman trophey and a dead ex-wife.
• A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.  His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.  When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.  He looks at her and slurs, "you don't scare me, I'm married to your sister!"
• How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you're having sex ?  A) Let her catch you doing it.
• Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce ?  A)  He thought his wife was a flake.
• What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcission ?  A) In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
• Why was the guy so down hearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him ?  A) Because he was nuts over her.
• A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.  Suddenly, Lorraine died.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone."
• What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night ?  A)  A widow.
• A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed.  She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.  She asked him, "Honey, what is wrong ?"  He replied, "well, remember when your were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregant, and your father said, I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor ?  Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison."
• A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to lover's lane.  When they get up there, she says, " I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker".  The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay.  He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.  After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."
• A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes!  I just won the lottery!"  Her husband yells back, "should I pack for the beach or for the mountains ?"  The wife replies, "I don't care!  Just get the hell out!"
• Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.  Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane".  And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  One year Stumpy and Martha went to the Fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.  If  I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."  Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars."  Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of twist and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.  He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."  Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

NOW YOU KNOW

• On Feburary 8th, 1960, Adolph Coors Co. chairman Adolph Coors 3rd, 44, was shot to death during a botched kidnapping attempt while on his way to the family brewery in Golden, Colo..
• On Feburary 9th, 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electorial votes.
• On Feburary 11th, 1858, a French girl reported the first of 18 visions of a lady dressed in white near Lourdes. (The Catholic Church later accepted that the visions were of the Virgin Mary.)
• On Feb. 12, 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.
• On Feb. 14, 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
• On Feb. 15, 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.
• On Feb. 16, 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates.
• On Feb. 17, 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting, in Washington.
• On Feb. 18, 1885, Mark Twain's  "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time (it had been published in Canada and England the previous December).
• On Feb.19, 1945, during World War 2, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.