FEBURARY JOKES

• What's a man's definition of safe sex ?  A) When his wife's out of town.
• Bob:  "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."   Jim:  "Great trade!"
• What does OJ have that every man wants ?  A) A heisman trophey and a dead ex-wife.
• A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.  His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.  When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.  He looks at her and slurs, "you don't scare me, I'm married to your sister!"
• How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you're having sex ?  A) Let her catch you doing it.
• Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce ?  A)  He thought his wife was a flake.
• What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcission ?  A) In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
• Why was the guy so down hearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him ?  A) Because he was nuts over her.
• A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.  Suddenly, Lorraine died.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now; Lorraine is gone."
• What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night ?  A)  A widow.
• A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed.  She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.  She asked him, "Honey, what is wrong ?"  He replied, "well, remember when your were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregant, and your father said, I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor ?  Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison."
• A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to lover's lane.  When they get up there, she says, " I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker".  The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay.  He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.  After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."
• A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes!  I just won the lottery!"  Her husband yells back, "should I pack for the beach or for the mountains ?"  The wife replies, "I don't care!  Just get the hell out!"
• Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.  Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane".  And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  One year Stumpy and Martha went to the Fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.  If  I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."  Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars."  Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of twist and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.  He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."  Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."