Catholic Trivia that is Not So Trivial

     Do you know the answers ?

1)  Who is the patron of artists ?

2)  Near what Feast does the Liturgical year begin ?

3)  What month of the year is dedicated to the Holy Souls ?

4)   What Commandment is broken when a person mocks their teacher ?

      The  Answers

1)  Saint Luke

2)   Saint Andrew

3)  The month of November

4)  The Fourth Commandment

Little Johnny Jokes

 1)  Little Johnny is in the cafeteria and he comes up to a large bowl of apples and there is a sign in front of the bowl which reads " only take 1 apple cause God is watching" then Little Johnny walks up to another large bowl of cookies  and no sign in front of the bowl so Little Johnny made up a sign and placed it in front of the bowl which reads "take as many cookies as you want cause God is watching the apples".

2) Gramma took Little Johnny to church and during church service Little Johnny says to Gramma "I have to pee" and Gramma said to Little Johnny "It is not nice to say pee in church what you say is whisper" and Little Johnny says is "ok".  Next week Grandpa takes Little Johnny to church and during church service Little Johnny says to Grandpa "I have to whisper" and Grandpa says to Little Johnny "ok whisper in my ear".

3) The teacher asks Sara " what do we get from chickens ?" and Sara replies "eggs" and the teacher says "very good" then the teacher asks Thomas "what do we  get from p ?" and Thomas replies "bacon" and the teacher asks Little Johnny "what do we get from big fat cows ?" and Little Johnny replies "well teacher i think we get home work".

Catholic Trivia that is Not So Trivial !

 A Catholic Trivia questions, and the answers.

Do you know the answers ?

1)  What does Emmanuel mean ?

2)  What is scripture ?

 3) Name the seven Sacraments ?

Catholic Trivia Answers

1) God is with us.

2) The inspired Word of God.

3) Baptism, Eucharist, Confirmation, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick,

     Marriage and Ordination

 

 

All In A Day's Work

 Our Teenage granddaughter was thrilled when she landed her first real job waiting tables.  But after one shift, the excitement to have waned.  "How do you like being a waitress ?"  I asked.  She shrugged, "It would be OK  if people wouldn't keep asking for stuff."  

We were dining with my husband's colleague, a therapist, who told us that her seven-year-old daughter had recently asked, "Mommy, what's normal ?"  Our friend gave a response that only a mother who's analyzed one too many patients could give: "Honey, normal is what people are before you get to know them

A customer called our Los Angeles travel agency asking how much a round-trip flight to Hawaii would cost.  Evidently, she didn't care for the price I quoted her, because the next thing she asked was, "How far is it if we decide to drive ?"

At a mall in Brooklyn, I watched as a gentleman was approached by a kiosk vendor.  "Excuse me," said the vendor, "can I ask you a question ?"  The gentleman smiled as he replied, "You just did," and kept right on walking.

Reddit.com contributors remember colleagues who got axed fast.

* Guy slept through two meetings on his first day.  The second meeting, he started snoring .

--XSITED1

* As a teenager, I worked at a bowling alley. Within an hour of starting, a new girl was fired on the spot for dropping a ball on the foot of a complaining patron.

-- JEFF_THE_NURSE

* I work construction. We had two new hires who were friends.  Boss told one to take a coffee order and come back.  He took everyone's money and said he needed his friend to go with him because it was a big order.  They never came back.

--DENDAD1218

OH, Christmas Tree!

 Putting up the Christmas tree this weekend because life with a toddler isn't dangerous, messy, and terrifying enough already.

How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:                                                     1)  Unpack ornament.                                                                                                                   2)  Drop so that it shatters into a million pieces.                                                                    3)  Repeat.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Me:  I hate putting up the Christmas tree every year.                                                           Seven-Year-Old:  So why do you take it down?

Life in the United States

 I used to run into this one guy at the coffee shop who never could remember my name.  To prod his memory, I pulled out a dollar and said, "My name is Bill, just like this one-dollar bill."                                                                                                                                             "Got it," he said.                                                                                                                              A few days later, our paths again crossed.                                                                        This time he gave me a big, confident greeting: "Well, hello, George!"

My last New Year's resolution was to lose ten pounds.  I missed it by 15 pounds!

A strip club near where my daughter lived shut its doors for a while in response to COVID-19.    A billboard outside announced: "Sorry, we're clothed!"

After my wife and I took our seats at a restaurant, the waiter arrived to take our order.  First, he let us know that the special of the day was twin lobsters.                       My wife was not impressed. "That's silly," she said.  "How can you tell they're twins?" 

Husband:  Don't be angry at me, but I accidentally spilled grease all over the oven.    Me:  How about I won't be angry at you, but you have to clean it.                                     Husband:  I'd rather you be angry at me.

A serious lung problem landed me in a rehab center, connected to oxygen 24 hours a day.  One day the oxygen ran low, so I asked an attendant for a fresh tank.                 "You'll have to wait," she told me.  "We're out of tanks and waiting for a delivery."  As she walked away,  she muttered.  "This wouldn't happen if patients would just stop using 'em all up."

I called to congratulate my parents on their 24th wedding anniversary.                         "So, next year's your 25th," I said to my step-mom.  "Is that silver, or wood, or what?"                                                                                                                                               "Guts, I think," she replied.

Three-year-old and dad start assembling a new toy in the living  room.  Three-year-old emerges and say to me,  "Mommy, what's a nightmare?"

"Resolutions"

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions".

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and

then turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

Laugh until the tears Run down your legs!!

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!  Neighbors feared him. The old liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?  The wife said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down......and I know he won't ask for directions.

Gramma's Old and Crabby

WHATEVER you give a WOMAN she will make it GREATER.
Give her SPERM she will give you a BABY. 
Give her a HOUSE she will give you a HOME.
Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL.
Give her your LOVE and she will give you her HEART.
She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN.
So if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a ton of SHIT!

Great Tip I Had To Share

Someone just pointed out something very interesting to me.........

When writing the date in 2020 on ANY documents, bills, notes, etc........

write the year in its entirety.

It could possibly protect you & prevent legal issues on paperwork.

Example :  If you write 1/1/20, Someone could easily change it to 1/1/2017
                   (for instance) and now your signature is on an incorrect document.

Stuff

Apparently there are 2 types of flu.

The Harmless one that women and children get,

And the "near Death" version that men get.

Beer/Biere

A simplified urine test that may be relevant for at least some of us men..........

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather : - diabetes.

If you pee on your feet :- prostate.

If it smells like a barbecue :- cholesterol.

If when you shake it, your wrist hurts :- osteoarthritis

If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants :- Alzheimer's

Surgeons !

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open
 them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in
 alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers......
  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said:
"You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine............
   Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable!!!

Problem

Cashier:  Your total is 18.53

Me:  Gives cashier 20.53

Cashier:  Blank stare for 45 seconds .........stuck

Me:  Just give me $5 back ..........

Cashier:  That's what I thought it was ...... Just
                 had to make sure ........ Here you go

FOR EVERYONE - PAY ATTENTION

I just got a call from a 304 area code.  Thinking it was
someone I know in WV, I answered.  It was a man
claiming to be from customer service (didn't say what
company, only "customer service")
The first thing he asked was "Can you hear me?"
I remembered something I saw on Facebook saying
people are calling and asking if you can hear them,
then using the recording of your "yes" reply as a way
to sign you up for all kinds of stuff.  So I replied "I hear
you" to which he again asked "so you can hear me?"
Me: I hear you
Him: I just need a yes or no
Me: I hear you
Him: *hangs up*
Thanks to whoever posted that story.  I probably
would have answered Yes the 1st time he asked.

The Irish Way

If the mountain seems too big today,
        Then climb a hill instead.
If the morning brings you sadness,
        It's okay to stay in bed.
If the day ahead weighs heavy
And your plans feel like a curse,
There's no shame in re-arranging,
Don't make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
And a bath feels like you'll drown,
If you haven't washed your hair for days,
        Don't throw away your crown !
                A day is not a lifetime,
                    A rest is not defeat.
        Don't think of it as failure,
          Just a quiet, kind retreat.
         It's okay to take a moment
    From an anxious, fractured mind.
      The world will not stop turning
              While you get realigned.
       The mountain will still be there
          When you want to try again,
           So climb it in your own time
           .....and love yourself 'til then.    

Fireman

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon  with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.  The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The fireman walked over to take a closer look and said, "That sure is a nice fire engine."  The little girl replied, "Thanks."  The fireman looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.  The fireman said, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster."  The little girl paused for a moment then replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Paint Store

                   I  went  down  to
                   the paint store to get
                   THINNER
                   It didn't work
                   

The Theology of the Fourth of July

July 4 is a religious holiday.  For this insight, thank John F. Kennedy

On July 4, 1946, Kennedy --- then 29 years old, the Democratic nominee for a Massachusetts Congressional seat, and still a lieutenant in the Navy Reserve ---- was the featured speaker at the City of Boston's Independence Day celebration.  He spoke at Faneuil Hall, the red-brick building where long ago the colonists had gathered to protest taxes imposed by King George III and his Parliament.

Kennedy began by talking not about taxes, or about the British, or about the consent of the governed, but about religion.  "The informing spirit of the American character has always been a deep religious sense.  Throughout the years, down to the present, a devotion to fundamental religious principles has characterized American though and action, " he said.

For anyone wondering what this had to do with Independence Day, Kennedy made the connection explicit.  "Our government was founded on the essential religious idea of integrity of the individual.  It was this religious sense which inspired the authors of the Declaration of Independence: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal ; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights.'"

It was a theme that Kennedy would return to during the 1960 presidential campaign, when, in a  speech at the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City, he described the Cold War as "a struggle for supremacy between two conflicting ideologies; freedom under God versus ruthless, Godless tyranny."  And again in his inaugural address, on January 20, 1961, in Washington, D.C., when he said, "The same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe --- the belief that the right of man come not from the generosity of the state but from the hand of  God."

So amid all the fireworks and barbecue smoke this July 4, consider pausing for a moment to reflect on the one our founding fathers called the Creator.  As Kennedy realized, the American Revolution --- and thus the country we live in today --- started with God, and with the Founders' belief in rights that are his gift to us.  Whatever your religious views, or lack of them, if you are an American, it's at least worth understanding the idea on which our nation was founded.
                                                                                                          By Ira Stoll

"Mary's Christmas Dream"

I had a dream, Joseph, I don't understand it, but in it people were having a birthday celebration for our son.  In my dream people has been preparing for it for some weeks beforehand.  They put lovely red berried holly and tinsel all around the house and brought new clothes.  They went shopping and bought elaborate gifts.  But I found it strange that these presents were not for our son, but for themselves.
They wrapped them in beautiful paper and tied them with lovely bows and placed them under a tress, which they call a Christ Mass Tree.  I did think that this must be in memory of our Son.  They'd decorated the tree with all sorts of colorful decorations.
The branches were covered with sparkling ornaments.  There was a figure on the top of the tree.  It looked like a protective angel.  I must say I thought it was beautiful especially if it was in honor of our Son.
Everyone was laughing and happy.  They were all excited and at first I thought it was excitement for our Son's birthday.  But in all their celebrations I again found it strange that they never mentioned His name.  How can you have a birthday where the little child whose birthday it is, is not mentioned?
I had the strangest feeling that if our Son had goner to this celebration He would have been intruding.  Everything was so beautiful, Joseph and everyone so full of cheer, but it made me cry for our little Son, that he was mentioned at hid own birthday Celebration.
I'm glad it was only a dream Joseph.  How terrible if it had been real!
                                                                                 From, Ireland