Advice from someone clueless at giving advice

                 by  Erin Farrell
                       Central Bucks East High School

                 In the wake of some typically angsty teenage conflict I recently had the singular pleasure to observe and partake in, I reached the epiphany that I, Erin Elizabeth Farrell, am officially the Queen of Not Knowing What to Say.
                Yes, dear reader, it was a hard-earned title toward which I have been striving for a strenuous lifetime of 16-and-a-half years, but as I watched my friends wrinkle their eyebrows at my poorly timed advice or laugh at myuncomfortably not comforting words, I realize I have finally fully reached the esteemed label.
               Do not envy me, however, for it is a title earned with many trials and tribulations.
               All hilarity aside, I seriously stink at giving advice.
               Why? I think it is because I am brutally honest, to a fault at times.  Or maybe I'm just bad at taking social cues.  Either way, this is why, when faced with situations brimming with adolescent depravity, I always give an answer that is not easy to hear.
               How on Earth are you supposed to give advice as a teenager?  We don't even understand ourselves, let alone others and their utterly perplexing drama.
               Some of my friends have been graced with the poise and cunning of a diplomat, able to dole out useful advice at the drop of a hat.
               Me on the other hand?  I literally have no freaking clue what to say.
               So I decided to give a few pointers on how to feign giving good advice when you are, like me, completely inept at comforting friends you don't quite understand but love as wholly as humanly possible.

Nod frequently
Seriously, nodding is the most underrated form of body language in the human repertoire.  Even if you have unfortunately zoned out during the tirade of ceaselessly incomprehensible teen turmoil, just nod.  It will get you so far.
Use a lot of eye contact
If their words befuddle you and fail to betray their true emotions, just look at their eyes.  As of late, I have developed a meticulously evolved hypothesis that the way person looks at you will consistently say far more than their words ever will.  Also, the way they look at you upon immediately seeing you shows how they really feel about you.  If at first they grimace and then pretend to smile, I thinkyou know the truth, as hard as it is to hear (or, I guess see).
Utilize vague maxims
Always have countless adages on hand about growing up and moving on.  Even if they are not even slightly applicable to the situation, there is some inexplicable form of comfort in sayings that have little to no meaning but remind us of hand-stitched throw pillows in our grandparents' living rooms.
Try to listen
OK, here's where we get to the real stuff.  Yeah, maybe as the story progresses, you have already forgotten who broke up with whom, who cheated on whom, who wasn't invited, etc.  But at least try to keep track of the story.  Ask questions.  The more you get to know someone and the harder you try to understand them, I guarantee the better you'll get at aomewhat, kind-of, a-little-bit knowing what to say.
Practice
I MEAN THIS ONE!  The more you observe others giving advice and learn what things do not work (ahem, case in point, never actually say how your friends look in dresses or you will quickly regret it), the better you will be at learning what to say in your friend's time of need.
Overall, dear reader, learn as I have that saying the right thing at the right time may not be your skill.  So that's my advice for you.
And a hug goes a long way!  But definitely not a pat on the shoulder.........seriosly, the one time I tried to do this to a friend made the situation so much worse.
I can't even express the mortification that ensued following the horrifically parental gesture.  (DON'T test it..........you'll just have to trust me on this one.)