JOKES

Room with a View
During her doctor's visit, a woman asked, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put into a retirement home?"
"We fill up a bathtub," the doctor said.  "Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"I get it," the woman replied.  "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," the doctor countered, "a normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Family Tree
A boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, where did man come from?"
"Well, son, in the beginning God created earth, then He created the first man and called him Adam and created the first woman and called her Eve.  That is how man was created."
The little boy looked puzzled then commented, "Dad said man came from apes."
"That's your father's side of the family," his mom replied.

Not Quite Working Out
My bicycle's recycled.                             
And my weights have been a waste.         
My stair machine has cobwebs,                
And my treadmill's been replaced.   

My jogging shoes vanished,
And the pool's been hit by drought.
I've finally discovered
Working out's not working out.      

Paper Cuts
I was so poor as a child, evenmy paper
dolls didn't have clothes.  They came
from the wrong side of the page.

Table Talk
My granddaughter, age 5, was upset because she said something cute and everyone at the table laughed.  She ran off to her room, saying that she didn't like people laughing at her.  I went after her and tried to explain that making people laugh is a good thing, adding that I loved it when people laughed at me.  She looked up and asked, "Is that why you wear your hair the way you do?"

Animal Tales
A chicken and a pig were walking by a church where a charity Thankgiving celebration was taking place.  Caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.  "Great idea," the chicken said.  "Let's offer them ham and eggs!"
"Wait a minute," replied the pig.  "For you, that's a contribution.  For me, it's total commitment."

Five Lessons My Mother Taught Me
1. Religion: "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
2. Stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
3. Genetics: "You're just like your father."
4. Roots: "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"
5. Justice: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."