OH, Christmas Tree!

 Putting up the Christmas tree this weekend because life with a toddler isn't dangerous, messy, and terrifying enough already.

How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:                                                     1)  Unpack ornament.                                                                                                                   2)  Drop so that it shatters into a million pieces.                                                                    3)  Repeat.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Me:  I hate putting up the Christmas tree every year.                                                           Seven-Year-Old:  So why do you take it down?

Life in the United States

 I used to run into this one guy at the coffee shop who never could remember my name.  To prod his memory, I pulled out a dollar and said, "My name is Bill, just like this one-dollar bill."                                                                                                                                             "Got it," he said.                                                                                                                              A few days later, our paths again crossed.                                                                        This time he gave me a big, confident greeting: "Well, hello, George!"

My last New Year's resolution was to lose ten pounds.  I missed it by 15 pounds!

A strip club near where my daughter lived shut its doors for a while in response to COVID-19.    A billboard outside announced: "Sorry, we're clothed!"

After my wife and I took our seats at a restaurant, the waiter arrived to take our order.  First, he let us know that the special of the day was twin lobsters.                       My wife was not impressed. "That's silly," she said.  "How can you tell they're twins?" 

Husband:  Don't be angry at me, but I accidentally spilled grease all over the oven.    Me:  How about I won't be angry at you, but you have to clean it.                                     Husband:  I'd rather you be angry at me.

A serious lung problem landed me in a rehab center, connected to oxygen 24 hours a day.  One day the oxygen ran low, so I asked an attendant for a fresh tank.                 "You'll have to wait," she told me.  "We're out of tanks and waiting for a delivery."  As she walked away,  she muttered.  "This wouldn't happen if patients would just stop using 'em all up."

I called to congratulate my parents on their 24th wedding anniversary.                         "So, next year's your 25th," I said to my step-mom.  "Is that silver, or wood, or what?"                                                                                                                                               "Guts, I think," she replied.

Three-year-old and dad start assembling a new toy in the living  room.  Three-year-old emerges and say to me,  "Mommy, what's a nightmare?"

"Resolutions"

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions".

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and

then turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

Laugh until the tears Run down your legs!!

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!  Neighbors feared him. The old liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?  The wife said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down......and I know he won't ask for directions.

Gramma's Old and Crabby

WHATEVER you give a WOMAN she will make it GREATER.
Give her SPERM she will give you a BABY. 
Give her a HOUSE she will give you a HOME.
Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL.
Give her your LOVE and she will give you her HEART.
She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN.
So if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a ton of SHIT!

Great Tip I Had To Share

Someone just pointed out something very interesting to me.........

When writing the date in 2020 on ANY documents, bills, notes, etc........

write the year in its entirety.

It could possibly protect you & prevent legal issues on paperwork.

Example :  If you write 1/1/20, Someone could easily change it to 1/1/2017
                   (for instance) and now your signature is on an incorrect document.