NOW THIS IS FUNNY

Every year the Wshington Post invites readers to supply alternative meanings for common words. 
It's a "neologism" contest that generated an enthusiastic response.  Read below for this year's winning submissions.

1. Coffee (n.),  the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.),  to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.),  to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which yu absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on a exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by jewish men.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO TALK ABOUT PATRIOTISM

• Every man loves and admires his own country because it produced him.  By Lord Lytton
• The man who loves other countries as much as he loves his own is like the man who loves other women as much as he loves his own wife.  By Theodore Roosevelt
• Patriotism has less to do with a state than with a state of mind.
• The patriot who is always ready to shed his last drop of blood for his country, is mighty particular about the first drop.
• If you believe in "My country, right or wrong," you must also believe in "My country, right or left".
• When a patriotic employee wants a raise, it's because he wants the goverment to benefit from the extra tax on his salary.

THIS MONTH IN HISTORY ( JULY )

• July 1 :  U.S. postage stamps went on sale for the first time. (1847)   -  Taxes begin to be withheld from paychecks. (1943)   -  Zip codes go into use. (1963)
• July 2 :  The Lawerence Welk show premieres on television. (1955)
• July 5 :  The bikini makes its debut at aParis fashion show. (1946)
• July 7 :  The United States annexes Hawaii. (1898)
• July 9 :  Dick Clark hosts American Bandstand for the very first time. (1956)
• July 12 :  Etch-a Sketch goes on sale. (1960)
• July 13 :  The radio is patented by Guglielmo Marconi. (1893)
• July 15 :  Vulcanized rubber is patented by Goodyear. (1844)
• July 17 :  The air conditioner was invented. (1902)  -  Walt Disney's Disneyland opens in Anaheim, Ca. (1955)
• July 18 :  Adolph Hilter publishes Mein Kampf. (1925)
• July 19 :  Samuel Colt, invented the revolver. (1814)  -  Winston Churchill uses the two finger "V" for victory sign. (1940)
• July 20 :  In "one small step for man, one giant step for mankind," Astronaut Neil Armstrong becomes the first person to walk on the moon. (1969)
• July 21 :  Jesse James and his gang rob their first train. (1873)
• July 23 :  Charles E. Minches of St. Louis, Missouri fills a pastry cone with two scoops of ice cream, and the ice cream cone is invented. (1904)
• July 26 :  Mickey Mantle hits his first "Grand Slam". (1952)
• July 27 :  Bugs Bunny debuts in Warner Brothers animated cartoon "A Wild Hare". (1940)
• July 28 :  World War 1 began. (1914)
• July 30 :  President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Medicare bill. (1965)
• July 31 :  Mariner 6 flies past Mars (1969)

THE GRAPEVINE

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an a argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet ?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary ?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I;m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but here comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray ?  I don't want to have to restart my collection.......... again.

REMEMBER THE "WALK" THAT CHANGED THE WAY WE LOOK AT SPACE ?

Can you remember where you were and who you were with ?
How did you feel ?
Well, here's some quick information about Apollo 11's historic landing on the Moon, July 20, 1969.
Maybe it will help you travel back when Americans truly did have "Stars" in their eyes !

• United States astronauts landed on the moon July 20, 1969.
• It's estimated that a half billion television viewers saw it all happen.
• Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon declaring "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
• Lt. Col. Michael Collins, Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin were the astronauts who manned Apollo11.
• The astronauts planted a U.S. flag and plaque on the Moon's surface saying "Here men from the plant Earth first set foot upon the Moon, July 20, 1969.  We came in peace for all mankind."
• The mineral armacolite, discovered during the first Moon landing and laterfound at various locations on Earth, was named after the three Apollo astronauts, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins.
• Afterreturning to Earth, the astronauts were put in quarantine for three weeks for fear they may have brought back unknown pathogens from the Moon.
• The Apollo Space Program was given $25.4 billion, around $150 in today's money.

F. Y. I.

By The Numbers
The average person takes 23,000 breaths a day.

Table Tidbits
An egg that is fresh will sink in water, but a stale one won't.

Face It
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint; no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

Point of  Distinction
The "Valley of the Square Trees" in Panama is the only known place in the world where trees have rectangular trunks.

Did You Know ?
The official color of California's Golden Gate Bridge is International Orange.

Quotable
by  William A. Ward, American Author (1921-1994)
"Adversity causes some people to break, others to break records".