Celebrate This
Today is Cherish an Antique Day.
Quotable
by Lady Gaga
"Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body."
Still on the Books
In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Expressive Twitch
More than a dozen separate muscles control a dog's ear movements.,
Lore Has It
In Serbia, spilling water behind a person embarking on a new venture or starting a journey is considered good luck, symbolizing fluidity and motion.
In Brief Bloom
The agave, or century plant, can take as long as 30 years to grow a single bloom, after which it dies.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
What Fools believe
Hilaria was a series of feast days celebrated by the pagan people of Rome. Hilarity and hijinks ensued, and it eventually became known to us as "All Fools Day," observed on April 1.
It was preceded, however, by a day of brutality that included beatings, whippings and castration rites. I guess you'd need a laugh after that.
We moderns continue to pull pranks on those who seem good targets, or who fully deserve to be punked.
Many years ago, I pranked a colleague, a man who was always reminding me he had graduated at the top of his class from a prestigious university. One April Fools' Day, I left two notes on his desk. One was to call "Myra Manes," with the phone number of the county coroner. The second was "Call Mr. Fox" with the number to the Philadelphia Zoo.
Oldies but goodies.
He called both, one then the other. His face reddened after the second call. Which is when I learned that tuition paid to a big-name university does not buy a sense of humor. He chased me through the newsroom, grabbing things from desks and throwing them at me after he was told there was no "Mr. Fox" (or "Ella Fint" or "Anna Conda") at the zoo.
There has never been a shortage of fools : people who think 9/11 was an inside job, that casino slot machines are a sound financial investment, who know their astrological sign but not their blood type.
However, it seems to me that the population of fools has increased exponentially over the last few decades, as we approach $20 trillion in debt and seem to believe everything is going to be fine. So, here is a partial list of items the which common Boobis Americanus believes.
Freedom isn't free, but food stamps are.
Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do to give you more free stuff.
You can be fiscally conservative, but socially liberal. You know, because the feds can print funny money to pay for all those liberal social programs that fiscal conservatives will never cut.
Get inept, inefficient government out of Pennsylvania Liquor sales, but put inept, inefficient government in charge of health care.
If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.
Fixing "income inequality" is the key to social justice. When we all make $40,000 a year, travel by mass transit, live in similar cramped abodes in cities, dress in similar hemp clothing while self-medicating with "medical" marijuana, paradise is ours.
Smart Cars are smart, especially when driving on highways loaded with hulking SUVs.
Global warming is due to humans burning fossil fuels. It is not connected in any way to that large, 20 million degree ball of fire in the sky.
Dogs are people, too.
So are cats, squirrels, Canada geese and polar bears.
But not cockroaches, spiders or stink bugs. Squish 'em.
What this country needs is another Bush in the White House..
Hillary will win the White House because her ideas are better.
Why, yes, people over 50 can look "hot."
No one will know it's a toupee, Botox or hair dye.
Tattoos improve the natural beauty of one's skin, especially if the tats are of colorful cartoon characters or something scary/edgy. What shoulder-blade is not improved when embazoned with a skull that has flames coming from its eyes?
All you need is love.
And birth control.
If the love is infectious, penicillin.
It was preceded, however, by a day of brutality that included beatings, whippings and castration rites. I guess you'd need a laugh after that.
We moderns continue to pull pranks on those who seem good targets, or who fully deserve to be punked.
Many years ago, I pranked a colleague, a man who was always reminding me he had graduated at the top of his class from a prestigious university. One April Fools' Day, I left two notes on his desk. One was to call "Myra Manes," with the phone number of the county coroner. The second was "Call Mr. Fox" with the number to the Philadelphia Zoo.
Oldies but goodies.
He called both, one then the other. His face reddened after the second call. Which is when I learned that tuition paid to a big-name university does not buy a sense of humor. He chased me through the newsroom, grabbing things from desks and throwing them at me after he was told there was no "Mr. Fox" (or "Ella Fint" or "Anna Conda") at the zoo.
There has never been a shortage of fools : people who think 9/11 was an inside job, that casino slot machines are a sound financial investment, who know their astrological sign but not their blood type.
However, it seems to me that the population of fools has increased exponentially over the last few decades, as we approach $20 trillion in debt and seem to believe everything is going to be fine. So, here is a partial list of items the which common Boobis Americanus believes.
Freedom isn't free, but food stamps are.
Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do to give you more free stuff.
You can be fiscally conservative, but socially liberal. You know, because the feds can print funny money to pay for all those liberal social programs that fiscal conservatives will never cut.
Get inept, inefficient government out of Pennsylvania Liquor sales, but put inept, inefficient government in charge of health care.
If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.
Fixing "income inequality" is the key to social justice. When we all make $40,000 a year, travel by mass transit, live in similar cramped abodes in cities, dress in similar hemp clothing while self-medicating with "medical" marijuana, paradise is ours.
Smart Cars are smart, especially when driving on highways loaded with hulking SUVs.
Global warming is due to humans burning fossil fuels. It is not connected in any way to that large, 20 million degree ball of fire in the sky.
Dogs are people, too.
So are cats, squirrels, Canada geese and polar bears.
But not cockroaches, spiders or stink bugs. Squish 'em.
What this country needs is another Bush in the White House..
Hillary will win the White House because her ideas are better.
Why, yes, people over 50 can look "hot."
No one will know it's a toupee, Botox or hair dye.
Tattoos improve the natural beauty of one's skin, especially if the tats are of colorful cartoon characters or something scary/edgy. What shoulder-blade is not improved when embazoned with a skull that has flames coming from its eyes?
All you need is love.
And birth control.
If the love is infectious, penicillin.
Weird letters & advice
Tuesday, April 1st - April Fools!
Dear Readers : It's April Fools' Day, the one day I can share some unique letters ---------- clearly, more than a few written in an attempt to have some fun with me. Enjoy!
Dear Abby : Many times when I would wake up in the morning, I'd find toothpaste already on my toothbrush, courtesy of my foreign-born girlfriend, "Inger." Because I am chivalrous, I figured I would return the favor. So at night before going to bed or in the morning, I'd tiptoe to the bathroom and put toothpaste on her toothbrush.
Well, the other day Inger told me, "Don't put toothpaste on my toothbrush!" I was flabbergasted. And if that's not enough, she no longer preps my toothbrush either.
I know, I know -------------- I should have asked a simple "Why?" but I wasn't in the mood for drama. Now it's eating at me and I just don't get it.
Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused : I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here it is : Inger appears to be giving you the brush-off.
Dear Abby : I have this really hot, sexy latex dress in lilac. I can't decide which color 6-inch stilettos to wear with it, black or white. I don't want to look trashy.
Fashionista in the East
Dear Fashionista : With latex in April, wear flats and a long overcoat.
Dear Abby : All the letters you have printed about pennies brought back the memories of what happened in our family when I was very small. My mother won a $10 gold piece for her sponge cake, but our family dog swallowed the coin.
You are probably wondering if we got the coin back. No, we didn't. Turned out the coin was counterfeit, and the dog couldn't "pass it."
Gotcha! in Amherst, Ohio
Dear Gotcha! Now that's a shaggy dog story if I ever heard one. (And for a moment, I swallowed it.)
Dear Readers : It's April Fools' Day, the one day I can share some unique letters ---------- clearly, more than a few written in an attempt to have some fun with me. Enjoy!
Dear Abby : Many times when I would wake up in the morning, I'd find toothpaste already on my toothbrush, courtesy of my foreign-born girlfriend, "Inger." Because I am chivalrous, I figured I would return the favor. So at night before going to bed or in the morning, I'd tiptoe to the bathroom and put toothpaste on her toothbrush.
Well, the other day Inger told me, "Don't put toothpaste on my toothbrush!" I was flabbergasted. And if that's not enough, she no longer preps my toothbrush either.
I know, I know -------------- I should have asked a simple "Why?" but I wasn't in the mood for drama. Now it's eating at me and I just don't get it.
Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused : I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here it is : Inger appears to be giving you the brush-off.
Dear Abby : I have this really hot, sexy latex dress in lilac. I can't decide which color 6-inch stilettos to wear with it, black or white. I don't want to look trashy.
Fashionista in the East
Dear Fashionista : With latex in April, wear flats and a long overcoat.
Dear Abby : All the letters you have printed about pennies brought back the memories of what happened in our family when I was very small. My mother won a $10 gold piece for her sponge cake, but our family dog swallowed the coin.
You are probably wondering if we got the coin back. No, we didn't. Turned out the coin was counterfeit, and the dog couldn't "pass it."
Gotcha! in Amherst, Ohio
Dear Gotcha! Now that's a shaggy dog story if I ever heard one. (And for a moment, I swallowed it.)
F. Y. I.
Celebrate This
Tuesday April 1, is not only April Fools' Day, but National One Cent Day and National Sourdough Bread Day.
Point of Origin
April Fools' reportedly originated in 16th-century France, when Pope Gregory XIII mandated the new year begin on Jan. 1 instead of April 1; those who failed to follow the new calendar were dubbed "April fools."
Quotable
by W.C. Fields, American actor and comedian (1880-1946)
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. No use being a damn fool about it."
Save the Date
Press releases for the (non-existent) New York City April Fools' Day Parade have been issued every year since 1986.
Keeping Time
In 1980, the British Broadcasting Corp. (BBC) was inundated with protests when, as an April Fools' joke, it announced the clock faces on London landmark Big-Ben would be replaced with digital displays to keep up with modern technology.
Tuesday April 1, is not only April Fools' Day, but National One Cent Day and National Sourdough Bread Day.
Point of Origin
April Fools' reportedly originated in 16th-century France, when Pope Gregory XIII mandated the new year begin on Jan. 1 instead of April 1; those who failed to follow the new calendar were dubbed "April fools."
Quotable
by W.C. Fields, American actor and comedian (1880-1946)
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. No use being a damn fool about it."
Save the Date
Press releases for the (non-existent) New York City April Fools' Day Parade have been issued every year since 1986.
Keeping Time
In 1980, the British Broadcasting Corp. (BBC) was inundated with protests when, as an April Fools' joke, it announced the clock faces on London landmark Big-Ben would be replaced with digital displays to keep up with modern technology.
Kennections
All five correct answers have something in common.
Can you figure out what it is ?
1. Which of TV's Friends was the identical twin of Ursula Buffay, a character on Mad About You?
2. What cousin of the ostrich is South America's largest flightless bird?
3. In 1585, a Flemish engraver named Gerardus Mercator published the first book of maps called what?
4. What 2012 science fiction movie was Ridley Scott's loose prequel to his first hit, Alien?
5. What speedy NFL running back do fans call "CJ2K"?
Bonus : What's the "Kennection" between all five answers?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers : 1. Phoebe
2. Rhea
3. Atlas
4. Prometheus
5. Chris Johnson
Bonus : All are Titans
Can you figure out what it is ?
1. Which of TV's Friends was the identical twin of Ursula Buffay, a character on Mad About You?
2. What cousin of the ostrich is South America's largest flightless bird?
3. In 1585, a Flemish engraver named Gerardus Mercator published the first book of maps called what?
4. What 2012 science fiction movie was Ridley Scott's loose prequel to his first hit, Alien?
5. What speedy NFL running back do fans call "CJ2K"?
Bonus : What's the "Kennection" between all five answers?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers : 1. Phoebe
2. Rhea
3. Atlas
4. Prometheus
5. Chris Johnson
Bonus : All are Titans
Weird News
Justifying that $4 ATM service fee
A malfunctioning ATM at a bank in Maine has dispensed $37,000 in cash to man who requested $140.
South Portland police say they responded to the TD Bank branch Thursday morning after getting a call from a woman who said a man spending an unusual amount of time at the ATM she was waiting to use. Officers found the man stuffing cash into a shopping bag.
The money was returned to the bank. Bank officials say they don't want to press charges, but police continue to investigate. The man hasn't been charged.
Mom, can Satan come over to play?
Warsaw, Poland ----------- A Roman Catholic priest has touched off a controversy in Poland after news media quoted him describing toys like LEGO's Monster Fighters as tools of Satan that lead children to the "dark side".
The Super Express tabloid quoted the Rev. Slawomir Kostrzewa urging parents to dump the LEGO series and those of several other firms. The remarks at a Sunday service in the town of Wolsztyn touched off discussion in predominantly Catholic Poland, which holds priests in high esteem.
In remarks Friday to The Associated Press, Kostrzewa denied having referred to Satan, but insists the toys are scary, undermining harmony and security.
Putin denied the chance to supersize
Buffalo, N.Y. ------------- Hey Putin, don't even think about ordering a Super Mighty in Buffalo.
Mighty Taco, a Buffalo-based chain of Mexican fast-food restaurants, has banned Russian President Vladimir Putin from all of the company's 23 locations in western New York.
The company known for its quirky ads announced on social media this week that effective immediately, Putin is banned from Mighty Taco for seizing Crimea from Ukraine. Mighty Taco's posting says Putin may be ordering around Crimea, but he won't be ordering a Super Mighty.
The posting, which features a red-tinted photo of a gesticulating Putin, says he'll be "welcomed back" at Mighty Taco when he stops acting like a bully and "picking on people".
Rolling out the yoga mats on Capitol Hill
Moscow ------------------- A senior Russian diplomat says U.S. officials should do yoga and watch TV comedy series to ease what he calls their irrational fixation on punishing Russia over Ukraine.
Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov's comments to the Interfax news agency Thursday reflected simmering tensions between Moscow and Washington over Russia's annexation of Crimea.
Ryabkov said the U.S. got "fixated" on halting cooperation with Russia. He said his "advice to the U.S. partners is to spend more time outdoors, do yoga ......and watch TV comedy series" instead of "childish whims, tears and hysterics that won't help."
A malfunctioning ATM at a bank in Maine has dispensed $37,000 in cash to man who requested $140.
South Portland police say they responded to the TD Bank branch Thursday morning after getting a call from a woman who said a man spending an unusual amount of time at the ATM she was waiting to use. Officers found the man stuffing cash into a shopping bag.
The money was returned to the bank. Bank officials say they don't want to press charges, but police continue to investigate. The man hasn't been charged.
Mom, can Satan come over to play?
Warsaw, Poland ----------- A Roman Catholic priest has touched off a controversy in Poland after news media quoted him describing toys like LEGO's Monster Fighters as tools of Satan that lead children to the "dark side".
The Super Express tabloid quoted the Rev. Slawomir Kostrzewa urging parents to dump the LEGO series and those of several other firms. The remarks at a Sunday service in the town of Wolsztyn touched off discussion in predominantly Catholic Poland, which holds priests in high esteem.
In remarks Friday to The Associated Press, Kostrzewa denied having referred to Satan, but insists the toys are scary, undermining harmony and security.
Putin denied the chance to supersize
Buffalo, N.Y. ------------- Hey Putin, don't even think about ordering a Super Mighty in Buffalo.
Mighty Taco, a Buffalo-based chain of Mexican fast-food restaurants, has banned Russian President Vladimir Putin from all of the company's 23 locations in western New York.
The company known for its quirky ads announced on social media this week that effective immediately, Putin is banned from Mighty Taco for seizing Crimea from Ukraine. Mighty Taco's posting says Putin may be ordering around Crimea, but he won't be ordering a Super Mighty.
The posting, which features a red-tinted photo of a gesticulating Putin, says he'll be "welcomed back" at Mighty Taco when he stops acting like a bully and "picking on people".
Rolling out the yoga mats on Capitol Hill
Moscow ------------------- A senior Russian diplomat says U.S. officials should do yoga and watch TV comedy series to ease what he calls their irrational fixation on punishing Russia over Ukraine.
Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov's comments to the Interfax news agency Thursday reflected simmering tensions between Moscow and Washington over Russia's annexation of Crimea.
Ryabkov said the U.S. got "fixated" on halting cooperation with Russia. He said his "advice to the U.S. partners is to spend more time outdoors, do yoga ......and watch TV comedy series" instead of "childish whims, tears and hysterics that won't help."
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