Saturday, November 16, 2013

Kennections

                 All five correct answers have something in common.
                 Can you figure out what it is?

1. Elsie the Cow advertises Borden dairy products, but her cartoon husband, Elmer the Bull, is still the mascot for a brand of what?

2. What's the most popular exercise among American adults?

3. Sportscaster Al Michael's famous "Do you believe in miracles?" call celebrated a 1980 U.S. win over the Soviet Union in what sport?

4. Neapolitan pizza is traditionally topped with what cheese, originally made from water buffalo milk?

5. What Walt Kelly comic strip was named for a philosophical possum living in Georgia's Okefenokee Swamp?

Bonus : What's the "Kennection" between all five answers?



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Answers :   1. Glue
                   2. Walking
                   3. Hockey
                   4. Mozzarella
                   5. Pogo
                   Bonus : All are kinds of sticks

F. Y. I.

Quotable
by  Johnny Depp, actor
"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants."

Indulge
Today is National Pizza With the Works Except Anchovies Day.

Beware the Bark
The world's most dangerous tree is the manchineel tree;  its sap blisters the skin and its fruit causes ulcers in the mouth and esophagus.

State Stats
Nebraska has two counties named after animals:  Antelope and Buffalo.

Chew on This
The first known bubble gum, Blibber-Blubber, failed to catch on in 1906 because it was too sticky and brittle to hold together when chewed.

Still on the  Books
In Kentucky, one may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

Stuffing For Beginners

                  How to explain the ins and outs of stuffing a turkey to a bachelor.

                  My favorite nephew is single, has Tom Cruise good looks and lives in a Southern California beach community, in what can only be called a perpetual light-beer commercial.  He is not much of a cook, but he has decided to entertain guests for Thanksgiving.  He invited me but I know he always participates in a strenuous touch football fame on Thanksgiving and I gave that up about the time Y.A. Tittle retired.

                   He loves my turkey dressing, and e-mailed me for the recipe.  I can follow a recipe, but I've never tried to explain some basic cooking concepts to someone with a smaller culinary comfort zone than my own ----- and who only understands several dialects of Bimbo-ese.  I knew I had my work cut out for me when in his e-mail he asked if he should remove the dressing mix from the box before he put it in the turkey.  I decided to approach the project by explaining things in sports metaphors that I knew he would be able to interpret.
                  Here are my instructions:

                  Buy two bags of stuffing mix.  Make sure it has sage flavoring.  It comes loose the way you like to crumple saltines in your tomato soup, or it comes in little cubes.  Stick with the cubes.  How big a bag?  Depends on the size of your bird, but the bags should be the size of one of those models in Victoria's Secret commercials.  (He'll know what I mean).

                 Next get two packages of premium pork sausage.  It comes in a silver wrapper and it is close to the size of a toilet paper roll with about 50 sheets of paper still on it.  Make sure it says "sage" under "premium," with "Our Special Recipe" in red letters.  Look in the meat case near hot dogs.

                 You'll need two or three cans of chicken broth.  Not big cans like those that Australian beer comes in, but cans the size that tomato soup comes in.

                 A stalk of celery.  It's green with a leafy top top that looks like Homer Simpson's head.  And two onions the size of tennis balls after the Williams sisters have been beating on them for nine games.

                 Chop the onions and celery.  Get one of those inexpensive choppers that you pound on like you're dribbling a basketball.  Do the onions first then chop an amount of celery equal to the onions ------- about a cup's worth (better make that a C-cup's worth.)  Oh, don't forget to cut off Homer's hair, and use just the stalks -------- except for the white-ish part at the bottom.

                  Now saute' ..... (Hmm, will he understand saute'?)  OK.  Melt about a half of a quarter stick of butter in a fry pan ------ low heat so it doesn't burn.  When it's melted, add the chopped celery (now turn the heat back up).  Handicap the onions by giving the celery about a three-minute head start; the onions will catch up soon enough.  Cook the onions until they are the color of the hair of that third Laker Girl from the left.  You know, the one we always zeroed in on with the binoculars during halftime at the Staples Center.  In fact you can use her to reference the size of the stuffing mix bags to get.  The celery is done when it's the color of the beat-up tennis balls.  Turn the heat off and set aside the onions and celery.

                  Slit the sausage package down the middle lengthwise like they do autopsies on that crime show "CSI."  Turn the package inside out and push the meat out the wayyour Grandpa used to turn out his suspenders.  Push the meat into another fry pan.  Brown the sausage, mashing it down with a fork the way you used to try to destroy green beans on your plate, thinking they would magically disappear.

                  Mix the onions, celery and sausage in a large pot.  Add about half a can of chicken broth, then half a package of stuffing until it is all the consistency of the stones and glop you would take out of your rockpolisher after it ran for a week.  Continue to add a little stuffing mix with a little chicken broth.  Don't let it get too moist since it will pick up moisture from the turkey while it's cooking.

                  (Will he know about salmonella?)  Don't forget to wash the turkey.  Not with soap, just cold water.  Pat it dry with a soft dish towel ------ gently, almost caressing it.  How gently?  Remember the Laker Girl.

It's a Ponderment !?!

                 When dog food is new and improved and better tasting, who tests it?

                 Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths closed?

                 Why don't people order a double cheeseburger, double fries, and a diet coke?

                 If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Funky Facts

                 Unlike most fresh fruits, grapes will not float in jell-o

                 Grapefruit was not named for how it tastes, but for the way it grows ----- in bunches.

                 Champagne actually gets people tipsy faster than other alcoholic beverages because the carbon dioxide bubbles speed the alcohol into the bloodstream.

                  Cashews are not sold in their shells because the oil that surrounds the shell is highly irritating to the skin, and peeling the nuts by hand can cause blisters.

                  By the time a kid graduates high school, he will have eaten 1,500 peanut butter sandwiches.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Martians Are Back!

                  An alien attack is on the way.
                  Voice artist Christopher H. Baum has produced a modern adaptation of the infamous "War of the Worlds" broadcast that will debut on Halloween night.
                  The original program, which aired live Oct. 30, 1938, on CBS radio, fooled some listeners, especially those in the vicinity of its faux landing site in Mercer County, who thought it was an actual newscast.
                 Baum said although a strong reaction to his work "would be fun," his 75th-anniversary version isn't intended or expected to cause public alarm.  The new "War of the Worlds" will stream on the website Krypton Radio.com at 10 p.m.
                 An adaptation of the novel by H.G. Wells, the 1938 broadcast was narrated and directed by Orson Welles, who later found stardom in films.  Styled after a traditional radio newscast, it was an episode of the CBS dramatic series "Mercury Theatre on the Air."  The program featured a Martian attack that starts in Grover's Mill, a village in West Windsor, and spreads, calling the New Jersey Militia into action.  In his version, Baum said, the narrative covers a four-day period and primarily takes place at Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst, where military personnel attempt to take control of the situation.
               At the corner of Hartford and Centerton roads, across the street from the Navy installation, a cornfield is used as the fictional location of a secret military base entrance.  A grassy hill in the middle of the farmed land marks the spot.
               The general area also serves as the location for a major battle.  Baum wanted to stay true to the original radio show in keeping the Garden State as the aliens' first target.  "I'm a Jersey boy," he said.  Born in Camden, the thespian grew up in Millville, hearing stories from an aunt about Welles' historic broadcast.  Since starting a voice career several years ago, Baum has worked on re-creating the program with his own spin.
             While the original "War of the Worlds" was presented as a live news broadcast, Baum's program is more of a storytelling version. In his role as a survivor, the artist narrates the saga, often relying on audio clips recorded as a devastating war was being waged to provide first-hand accounts.
              Baum used his Mount Laurel home recording studio to capture the narration and edit together about 56 tracks of sound to create the program.  Although much of it was recorded by actors, the terror in the panic scene is real, culled from recordings of a July Fourth event in Philadelphia.
               In forming his roster of voice performers, Baum cast a wide net.
               "It's a very diverse cast.  It's a microcosm of American society," he said.  "None of us are paid for this (project)."
               The cast ranges in age from 20 to the 60s.   Hailing from across the country, many are accomplished artists.
               He brought most of the 15 cast members in with the aid of modern technology.  He "met" some players through the online community Spoken Layer, an audio-narration service.  The talent includes voice artists Marjorie Kouns, a "Dora the Explorer" performer; Jewel Elizabeth, who appeared on "All My Children" and "Celebrity Apprentice"; and Steve Rimpici, an actor with a long resume of animated films and music videos.